I used to hate birthdays. Now everything is different

I celebrated my birthday this week. I mean that literally – I really celebrated it. This is significant for me because in past years I’ve greeted my birthday like a smelly, irritating relative that comes to stay every year, whose presence I endure with practised stoicism. The only celebration would happen the day after, when I’d wake up awash with relief that it was all over for another year.

My reasons for resenting my birthday were partly due to the fact that it drew attention to me – and as an introvert, this is excruciating. Seriously, I will vote for the next politician who promises to ban the singing of Happy Birthday in workplaces. *shudder*

But at the heart of my day-of-birth anxiety was the fact that they were a reminder that another year had passed and I was not living the life I wanted to live. 

There was a sense that I was running out of time to be happy, or to achieve a life that looked anywhere near as glossy as those of my peers. Every year my misery increased exponentially as I was faced with the realisation that my life had not changed significantly from how it looked at the last birthday.

This year, however, felt different.

I’ve made some major internal changes during the year that have affected the way I see myself and my future. I have a clearer sense of my life purpose and, most significantly, the value that I hold. I can look back on my regrets without feeling burdened by them. Right now I’m in the process of changing careers, so I don’t feel stuck or inadequate professionally any more. I no longer fret about being single, nor interpret this as evidence that I am flawed. It feels like I have enough time, and enough support from the Universe, to grow to a point that I can emotionally handle, and flourish in, a relationship.

I have wonderful friendships in which I have a sense of belonging and feel valued. Actually, this is probably the most significant change of all when it comes to birthdays. I can still remember the despair and humiliation of my 32nd birthday when only two people showed up for drinks. As I write this post, I’m preparing to meet 18 friends for my birthday celebrations. This blows my mind – 18 people like me enough to come and celebrate with me!

What all this amounts to is me having dropped my ideas of how my life should look – which is what was causing my birthday angst in the past. Instead I’ve arrived at something very close to acceptance of what is. I can recognise and celebrate the many blessings in my life and I don’t feel myself disappearing into the blistering chasm between the hand I imagined I would play, and the hand I’ve been dealt. In addition, I know how much power I have to bring about change, so I’ve dropped my self-pity I used to hold. 

Most crucially, I’ve stopped comparing myself to other people on the regular. On this point my resolve gets tested often (particularly on social media) but I’m better able to detach from comparisons, and jealousy. This is not easy when you’ve grown up in New Zealand, a country where your relationship status is prized above any personal attributes or achievements. But it’s in my choices, not my circumstances, that I measure my worth now.

This is the first year that I truly understand exactly how much I have to celebrate, and I have good reason to believe that will expand and deepen as I age. In a culture obsessed with time and deadlines, my anchoring principles are these: I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the best is yet to come. 

I still hate that fucking office birthday singalong though.

Because you're worth it. Yes, you absolutely are!

For the past three weeks consistently, an angel card has come up every week urging us to reward ourselves. Generally the angels will repeat a message because we are not taking it on board. Since this pattern has emerged, I thought I’d explore some of the reasons we sometimes struggle to treat ourselves – and why we absolutely need to.

What I’ve noticed is that when a message about doing something nice for themselves comes up, some people will cite feeble excuses why they “can’t”, and generally these involve a perceived lack of time or money. I’m sorry to sound a bit like your mum, but if you don’t have time to look after yourself, you are doing something very wrong. And the excuse about money doesn’t hold much currency either, because self-love does not need to cost money. But both of these are beside the point. 

What’s really going on under the surface is that many of us don’t understand that we deserve to be looked after – and that that it is our job to bestow that care on ourselves.

To some people, the idea of making time for a pedicure, a yoga class or a nap on a Saturday afternoon seems like a treat that they aren’t entitled to unless they’ve done something special to earn it. And sometimes even when people do understand that it is important to treat themselves, they decide they’ll do that later when they’re not busy… you know… whenever that is...

Guys, we all need to do a better job of treating ourselves to rewards, and this is why. You are a child of the Universe, and therefore entitled to receive love and care. You do not have to earn that love and care, it is your birthright – and you are absolutely worthy of it. In fact, you are so valuable that the Universe has assigned two guardian angels to look after you and guide you – and there’s nothing you could do to get them to leave you. Your chief responsibility in this lifetime is to give love to others – but you can’t give away something that you don’t have yourself. If you are not willing to show love and care to yourself, how can you expect to receive it from anyone else? And actually, if you are not willing to show love and care to yourself, maybe you need to ask yourself some urgent questions about why that is (maybe there are some underlying issues related to self-esteem that you need to address). 

If you take only one thing from this post, let it be this: you do not have to change anything to be worthy of love and care. This does not mean that you don’t have more work to do on yourself and on your relationships (we all do) – but it also doesn’t mean you are not worthy of treats and nourishment right this minute. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be right now, and you’re absolutely deserving of love. It starts with you. 

Making time* for a 45-minute massage may not change your life but it’s a very good place to start.

*Notice I said ‘making time’ not ‘finding time’. No one has an abundance of time – it’s up to you to prioritise the hours that you do have.  

Does social media make us narcissists? No, but it can reveal a lot about how we view ourselves

When it comes to narcissism, there is perhaps no more endearing example in the world than Kanye West. Pop culture’s king of self-aggrandisement once declared that he wished to describe his profession as ‘creative genius’ on immigration arrival forms – but he didn’t know how to spell the word ‘genius’ (lol). 

Narcissism is something I’ve been thinking about lately because I’ve seen a few columns fretting that our obsession with selfies and documenting the minutiae of our lives online is creating a generation of narcissists. I don’t agree. 

Firstly, a definition – because narcissism is not, despite popular belief, the same as arrogance or just plain bad behaviour. During a discussion at the recent Sydney Writer’s Festival, social commentator Anne Manne (author of Life of I: The New Culture of Narcissism) offered these defining characteristics (among others): having a sense of superiority; a sense of entitlement; a feeling that you’re entitled to exploit others; and a desperate desire to gain attention to prove you are really significant – which is where social media use really comes under the microscope.

Brene Brown, leading researcher in the field of vulnerability, describes narcissism as “a shame-based fear of being ordinary”. At its core, she writes, narcissism is driven by a fear of not being enough.

I’m not sure what this says about the industry I’m in, but I’ve worked with more than a few people who fit into the narcissism category. And I’ve certainly seen people – from differing age groups – use social media as a platform for relentless self-promotion, which can be uncomfortable for me to observe. But even though many commentators have identified a correlation between social media and narcissism, I don’t think that means social media *breeds* narcissism, as such.

My opinion is that although there’s a good argument for all of us pulling back on our social media use and engaging more in face-to-face interactions, wanting to showcase your life online isn’t necessarily unhealthy. That said, if you feel like you are reliant on multiple ‘likes’ to feel valued – and feel like you don’t matter if you don’t achieve that – you could probably do with asking yourself some reflective questions. The way you use social media might be a symptom, rather than a cause, of a disconnect between what you think you have to offer the world and the unquantifiable, exquisite value you bring to the world every day simply by virtue of being yourself.

I did a social media detox a while ago and although it was short-lived (obviously) this did change the way I approach Facebook, Twitter and Instagram in a lasting way. Thankfully, I’ve never had the problem of aligning my sense of worth with my social media ‘reach’ or approval ratings – but my sense of self-worth has certainly struggled as a direct result of how I was using social media. The result was me feeling deeply inadequate for not having a life as glamorous or as exciting or as love-filled as other people ‘appear’ – and the key word here is ‘appear’ – to have. The good thing is, I was able to recognise that although Instagram et al were making me feel crap about myself, that was really a result of my low self-esteem – social media was merely exacerbating an existing problem. Which I’m taking steps to address, BTW. Understanding and honouring my value as a human being, and not using other people’s lives nor societal expectations as a yardstick for that, is an ongoing process for me.*

By the way, going back to the narcissism thing (in case you needed some reassurance)... if you’re worried you’re a narcissist, you’re not. Because if you were a narcissist you wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to even consider yourself one. (Good to know.)

I’m not really sure where this leaves Kanye, but I love his music, regardless.

* Read my blog post on comparison syndrome in relation to social media here.

On selling myself short – financially and personally

For more than a month now I have been getting the message that I needed to put my prices up. For more than

a month I have resisted. In terms of my main profession (I’m a freelance journalist) rates are set by the industry and I have very little room to manoeuvre. But in terms of my work as an angel card reader, I have set my rates at well under 50 per cent of what other readers charge, and I have justified this ridiculous state of affairs with the flimsiest of reasons. 

I told myself that because I am fairly new to professional card readings it wouldn’t be fair to charge the same rate as more experienced readers. This is a lie I told myself because – as is the case with many lies, I’ve realised – it was convenient. It was convenient for me not to face my fear that I am not good enough. This lie allowed me to feel OK about delivering a service that might not be as polished as other readers could offer, and only feel semi shitty about it (as opposed to completely shitty).

Basically, I didn’t want to let anyone down. But in doing so, I’ve been letting myself down. Badly. Which makes no sense, because charging a rate that is fair for me is not the same thing as ripping people off. And all the feedback I’m getting – plus the coaching I’ve been having – indicates that I am, in fact, good enough. I am providing people with real insight and messages that are helpful to them. So why not charge market rates?

Of course, this is not really about money at all, it’s about value. It’s the value I advertise my skills as having – and by charging a low rate I’m pretty much telling people that the information and insights I can offer them are worth about as much as the Sunday brunch they kinda enjoy but won’t remember afterwards. This is also about how much (or little) I value myself.

I’ve written before about my tendency to measure myself against other people, to my detriment. I am now

trying to redefine my understanding of the word ‘value’. I have challenged myself to stop measuring my value by other people’s standards and expectations – which is a sure path to low self-esteem. If I compare myself to the waifish-supermodel shape that society tells us is the ideal (do not even get me started on how wrong this barometer is!), I will always see my body as lacking. If I regard the marriage-mortgage-maternity formula as the determinant of a successful life, I will see myself as a failure. If I regard a high-flying job as the measure of career success, I will never see my professional abilities as holding value.

Instead, I’m trying to understand that my value comes from internal measures. I’m trying to recognise the value that I hold simply by virtue of being myself, and through the ways I’m honouring that individuality. I hold value when I am meeting my own set of – for lack of a better word – values. These include kindness, fairness, holding fast to hope and making meaningful contributions to a better world (in small and significant ways). When I honour those, and all the other virtues I hold dear, I hold value. And when I recognise my own value I am more likely to make better decisions about everything from what food I put in my mouth to what type of relationships I pursue and, yes, how much I charge for my work.

My decisions about the rates I set for my services are inextricably linked to the way I feel about myself. Both are overdue for an overhaul. My challenge is to learn to back myself, so that others will too.