How to improve your love life (spoiler alert: it doesn't involve Facebook)

If a relationship happens in the forest and no one witnesses it, does it really happen at all?

This is the question I’m asking myself after the emergence of a bizarre Facebook trend this week called the Love Your Spouse Challenge.

The idea is that people are ‘challenged’ to post pictures of their partner every day for a week to ‘prove’ how much they love them. Exactly why this is challenging or even necessary is not clear.

Big deal, you probably think – it’s only a bunch of photos, and it sure beats having a newsfeed chock-full with political rants. Plus, it’s not like oversharing on Facebook is a new phenomenon. I agree… and yet I find this trend perplexing. The idea that so many people feel they need to ‘prove’ the integrity of their relationships to anyone outside of that relationship is a little concerning.

We’ve had the ‘relationship’ angel card come up twice in the last week, so the Universe is putting a lot of emphasis on the strength of our primary relationships right now. The angels have been encouraging us to really show up for our partners. At no point, however, did they mention ~posting~ about our partners.

If you feel like you need to prove your love for your partner, that’s a fairly good indicator that you need to have a conversation. With them, that is, not with your 378+ Facebook friends. Because people who feel secure in their relationships generally don’t go looking for validation from other people. They don’t need to.

Perhaps it’s just me who feels this way – after all, I’m slightly allergic to highly personal Facebook posts. When my boyfriend changed his Facebook status – and, consequently, mine also – to ‘in a relationship’, I felt quite uncomfortable, for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with what people thought about it. I knew that this would invite public comment on something that is, ultimately, private.

Sure enough, over an excruciating three-day period we got a bit of attention. I squirmed in my seat as well-meaning people posted excited comments. Someone even said ‘congratulations’ as if I had won a prize. Perhaps escaping that perennially shameful institution known as singledom is regarded as a prize of sorts (sigh). 

I don’t mean to be dismissive – it’s lovely that people wanted to share in our happiness, and many people knew that I had felt ready for a relationship for some time. But the showy nature of Facebook made me feel like I’d been forced to ride atop a float in some weird parade. Someone told me they were pleased because I ‘deserved to be happy’. Well, yes, thank you, I do… but so does everyone, surely. ‘I was happy before I met this guy, too!’ I wanted to shout. No one cares. It feels like we idealise relationships so much that we don’t recognise single people as being truly happy and complete. For obvious reasons, this is problematic. 

I know that the people commenting on my status change had only the best of intentions, and certainly weren’t making social commentary. But it felt like some remarks reflected an underlying, widespread belief that a relationship is the only measure of someone’s success in the world, and that a woman without a man is lacking in a major way. I suspect this is what fuels the idea that a relationship flaunted on social media is a healthy one.

But I digress.

From a spiritual perspective, your romantic relationship is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. When you’re feeling insecure or doubtful of your own worth, that will show up in the way you show up for your partner. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t believe you truly deserve love. Part of our soul’s journey in this lifetime is to grow to appreciate our own intrinsic worth and immense power, so we can shine our brightest. Yet we are socially conditioned to believe that our worth derives from earning the love of another. So we saddle that person with the burden of fulfilling us and giving our lives meaning, not realising that this task belongs to us alone.

Self-love is an inside job. You cannot outsource it. The bad news: it’s really hard to love yourself in a world that tells you you’re not good enough (alone or otherwise). The good news: it’s entirely possible to do so – which is why the Universe will keep gently nudging you in this direction. And the better you get at valuing yourself, the better your romantic relationship will become. Or if you’re single, the better quality of partner you’ll attract. I did not meet a lovely man then became a contented, confident person who leads from the heart – it was the other way around. I became a contented, confident person then attracted a lovely man.

Is there a Facebook trend for that? I think there should be. #relationshipgoals

We're facing more choices than ever in history... yet most of us can't make decisions

Remember The Sunscreen Song, which came out with the Romeo and Juliet movie in the late 1990s? When it comes to snappy truth bombs, this song is an absolute goldmine (it’s basically Pinterest in music). These lines are among the most memorable, for me: “Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance – so are everybody else’s.”

Personally, I don’t believe in ‘chance’. But I love this lyric because it reminds me not to put too much pressure on myself when it comes to making choices – because I don’t have absolute power to determine the outcome. Since that song came out and I’ve gained a greater understanding that anything I create in my life is a partnership between myself and the Universe, I now realise that I can’t possibly make a bad choice. #relief

One of the main factors that drives people to book an angel card reading with me is they’re facing a tough decision. Their circumstances can be vastly different – a job opportunity that requires them to move cities, a relationship that is no longer satisfying, perhaps – but the common thread is fear of failure. They know deep down what is right for them, but they’re scared to commit to that course of action in case they’re ‘wrong’.

I read a UK magazine article recently which suggested that people in the west are facing more decisions than ever before in history, and as a result, our anxiety over making any selection has increased. Previous generations – particularly women – did not have as many options available to them as far as jobs, relationships and lifestyle. We can now have anything and do anything we want – yay! That’s undoubtedly a good thing, and I’m not for a minute advocating our choices should be curbed, but if you’ve ever found yourself stressed out over a four-page pizza menu, unable to make a selection, you’ll know that too many choices can be overwhelming.

“From research we know that people with no choice are significantly more resilient because they can blame life or other people when they make a wrong decision,” psychologist Pieter Kruger says in the article. “But if you make a wrong decision having had a range of choice, you have no one to blame but yourself. We become much more obsessive because we want to make the right decision every time.”

US psychologist Barry Schwarz, author of The Paradox Of Choice, agrees. In an article with The Guardian he described how there are so many varieties of jeans available now – stone-washed, straight-leg, boot-fit, distressed, zip fly, button fly, slightly distressed, very distressed, knee-holed, thigh-holed, knee and thigh-holed – that his expectations of finding the perfect pair for him are high… and inevitably, he winds up disappointed. 

Adding to our decision-making anxiety is social media, which has somehow become our yardstick of success. We’re being constantly slammed with pictures of people appearing to nail their life choices – cosy relationships, chic wardrobe picks, glamorous travel itineraries and high-achieving kids. Even though we may be vaguely aware that what we’re looking at is contrived and edited, rather than an accurate summary of other people’s lives, we can still wind up feeling like everyone else is doing life *right*. The allure of achieving something equally fabulous can be strong.

If you feel crippled by decision making, it might be worth asking yourself if you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to achieve a dream result. The resulting state of stress means you’ll struggle to hear guidance from your intuition (which is your best asset when it comes to making decisions). 

From a spiritual perspective, it is not possible to make a bad decision, because every course of action you take will teach you something valuable you need to know for your soul’s journey. Even if the situation doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, you will always be better for it. Plus, the Universe has a way of course-correcting you if you go way off track.

When I finished my journalism degree, I struggled to find employment. After three months I applied for, and got, a role on a business newspaper – which, for someone with zero interest in financial journalism, was not an appealing option. A year later, that publishing company went into receivership, owing me more than $2200 in unpaid wages and holiday pay*. This was not, obviously, an optimum result for me. But that does not mean it was a bad decision. I got the valuable experience I needed, which, as a new graduate in a flooded job-seeker market, I was struggling to get. I learned professional skills that set me up for my career path. Plus, I made a friend I instantly bonded with – and 15 years later, we remain close. I lost money, and I ended up unemployed again for several months… but if given the chance to go back, I would make the same decision again. 

The truth is, the Universe will always make sure you end up in the right place, and among the right people, for your highest good. You may not have Oprah Winfrey’s wealth, Lena Dunham’s body of work or Salma Hayek’s boobs, and probably you never will, but you do have a pure heart, a resilient spirit, treasured memories, wonderful people in your life and the knowledge that the best is yet to come.

This I know to be true: you are exactly where you are supposed to be. I imagine that some people will find that depressing – probably because they believe that they have total control over their lives, or they had expectations of something more glamorous – but I personally find it enormously comforting. It means I’m being looked after by the Universe, and it also means that while I have the power to create anything I want, my choices won’t have the monumentally dire consequences I might have imagined.

The only bad decision we can possibly make is to let fear paralyse us to the extent that we make no decision at all.

Instead of procrastination, let’s choose courage and action. 

*I got back about $345 of this around a year later, after the liquidators had settled the company’s affairs. Sad face. 

Help – I’ve forgotten how to relax!

There’s an old saying that doing nothing is never so satisfying as when there’s something else you’re supposed to be doing. These summer holidays I’ve found that to be true.

The idea of relaxing in the sun, chowing down on berries, doing crosswords and napping every afternoon seemed so appealing to me last December, as I scrambled to get my work projects completed on deadline and board that plane. My body told me in no uncertain terms that it really really really needed rest. How delicious! Except...

After Christmas, with the presents unwrapped and the family obligations wrapped, I found myself unable to switch off. I couldn’t prize my phone from my hands. I spent hours every day on my personal Instagram account, which I usually check only once a week (side note: did you know that Instagram emails you ‘what you missed’ messages if you go more than a week without checking it – needy much?!). I turned on TV, knowing there was nothing on. I kept checking my work emails.

My new books remained barely touched. I took so long cracking into crosswords that my sister jumped in and finished them for me. I took no naps.

I am so used to being connected and juggling multiple tasks that I do not know how to do nothing. When you’re self-employed, work never fits within a neat nine-to-five, Monday-to-Friday framework – messages that need responses can come in at any hour. But really, that’s just an excuse I make to justify my reliance on my phone. The reality is, there is no need for me to know what everyone else is doing and saying at any given moment. I am on holiday and the best use of my time right now is doing nothing, to recharge my batteries and allow my body to rest. That involves disconnecting from the outside world and being fully present where I am right now. This is something I’ve had to retrain myself to do.

I have started put my phone on the bench, instead of next to me, and only checking it when I get an SMS. I have got stuck into my novel. I even went for a walk outside. I have got my daily meditation practice, which had fallen by the wayside sometime around November, back on track. It has felt weird to do nothing, but it also felt… right.

I’ve got a lot of arse to kick in 2016. But for now, I need to rest.

It’s just a case of reminding myself how to do that… 

I had a dream. This is what it taught me

Recently I had a dream so potent that it has stayed with me for more than a week.

I was walking with some people I used to know, who are very sophisticated and elegant. ­­We were heading towards one person’s home, then they fell into a conversation I didn’t understand, and started to gain pace. Suddenly it was like my legs had a rubber band around them, just above the knees. My legs would only take small steps forward, and I couldn’t separate them enough to lengthen my stride and catch up with the others. I was shouting at them to wait for me but they were too engrossed in their conversation to notice me. 

Soon they progressed so far ahead I lost sight of them, and I didn’t know where I was going. I became hopelessly lost, and got stuck, briefly, trying to climb over a seawall. Eventually they realised that I didn’t know where I was going and came looking for me. I was quite distressed abut the fact that my legs had failed me and that I hadn’t been able to stay with them. “I just couldn’t keep up with you,” I said to them sadly.

I just couldn’t keep up with you.

This is the line that has been bouncing around my head ever since that dream. I wrote it down in my dream diary when I woke up, but I didn’t really need to – the meaning is so obvious. When I tried to follow other people’s path, I lost my way. 

Wanting to keep up with other people – specifically, people I perceive to be cooler, hotter, more successful – is an old pattern of mine. It’s that whole ‘fitting in’ strategy we adopt in our teenage years and often results in us overspending on material goods in adulthood (keeping up with the Joneses, in other words). It can also result in us painting the picture of a perfect life on social media – and Brisbane model Essena O’Neill, 18, certainly did a brave thing this week by admitting her Instagram shots were faked in order to cast herself as someone to envy and admire.

For me, the urge to keep up with other people is problematic for several reasons. The first is that it’s based on comparisons. It involves me assessing other people, concluding that they are superior to me for whatever reason, and putting them on a pedestal. This is unwise, given I have no idea what is actually going on in people’s lives beyond the surface. Are they good people? Who knows! Are they happy? They probably have the same problems as everyone else. Are they better than me? Well, no, actually – since life is not, whatever Nike would like us to believe, a competition. I love this line in the 90s hit Sunscreen Song: "The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself." 

There’s another problem here. Worrying about what other people have, look like and appear to be doing takes my focus away from where it needs to be: on my own growth and development.

This dream has been a wake-up call (literally!) that I need to address the way I compare myself to others, and also the way that I measure my own value. This is not a new lesson; I’ve referenced my struggles with comparison and self-worth in many previous posts. But just like those angel cards that keep recurring in the daily readings I do for you guys, these messages will keep coming up until I can truly take them on board and move on. The Universe will not stop throwing these messages at me until I learn the lesson.

I can’t keep up with other people, and I don’t need to. I am enough. 

Does social media make us narcissists? No, but it can reveal a lot about how we view ourselves

When it comes to narcissism, there is perhaps no more endearing example in the world than Kanye West. Pop culture’s king of self-aggrandisement once declared that he wished to describe his profession as ‘creative genius’ on immigration arrival forms – but he didn’t know how to spell the word ‘genius’ (lol). 

Narcissism is something I’ve been thinking about lately because I’ve seen a few columns fretting that our obsession with selfies and documenting the minutiae of our lives online is creating a generation of narcissists. I don’t agree. 

Firstly, a definition – because narcissism is not, despite popular belief, the same as arrogance or just plain bad behaviour. During a discussion at the recent Sydney Writer’s Festival, social commentator Anne Manne (author of Life of I: The New Culture of Narcissism) offered these defining characteristics (among others): having a sense of superiority; a sense of entitlement; a feeling that you’re entitled to exploit others; and a desperate desire to gain attention to prove you are really significant – which is where social media use really comes under the microscope.

Brene Brown, leading researcher in the field of vulnerability, describes narcissism as “a shame-based fear of being ordinary”. At its core, she writes, narcissism is driven by a fear of not being enough.

I’m not sure what this says about the industry I’m in, but I’ve worked with more than a few people who fit into the narcissism category. And I’ve certainly seen people – from differing age groups – use social media as a platform for relentless self-promotion, which can be uncomfortable for me to observe. But even though many commentators have identified a correlation between social media and narcissism, I don’t think that means social media *breeds* narcissism, as such.

My opinion is that although there’s a good argument for all of us pulling back on our social media use and engaging more in face-to-face interactions, wanting to showcase your life online isn’t necessarily unhealthy. That said, if you feel like you are reliant on multiple ‘likes’ to feel valued – and feel like you don’t matter if you don’t achieve that – you could probably do with asking yourself some reflective questions. The way you use social media might be a symptom, rather than a cause, of a disconnect between what you think you have to offer the world and the unquantifiable, exquisite value you bring to the world every day simply by virtue of being yourself.

I did a social media detox a while ago and although it was short-lived (obviously) this did change the way I approach Facebook, Twitter and Instagram in a lasting way. Thankfully, I’ve never had the problem of aligning my sense of worth with my social media ‘reach’ or approval ratings – but my sense of self-worth has certainly struggled as a direct result of how I was using social media. The result was me feeling deeply inadequate for not having a life as glamorous or as exciting or as love-filled as other people ‘appear’ – and the key word here is ‘appear’ – to have. The good thing is, I was able to recognise that although Instagram et al were making me feel crap about myself, that was really a result of my low self-esteem – social media was merely exacerbating an existing problem. Which I’m taking steps to address, BTW. Understanding and honouring my value as a human being, and not using other people’s lives nor societal expectations as a yardstick for that, is an ongoing process for me.*

By the way, going back to the narcissism thing (in case you needed some reassurance)... if you’re worried you’re a narcissist, you’re not. Because if you were a narcissist you wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to even consider yourself one. (Good to know.)

I’m not really sure where this leaves Kanye, but I love his music, regardless.

* Read my blog post on comparison syndrome in relation to social media here.