What are you waiting for? The ugly truth about why women won't propose to their boyfriends

Brace yourselves – an onslaught of cringey ‘I proposed to my boyfriend’ media stories is imminent.

Yep, it’s a Leap Year. And February 29th, as everyone knows, is the only time women are allowed to play a powerful role in determining the future of their relationships. *eyeroll*

Well, I think it’s about time this ridiculously outdated custom went the way of fax machines and scrunchies (i.e. filed under ‘embarrassing’ in the history books).

Look, I know not everyone is a fan of marriage. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way. If ritual and a legally binding contract are important to you, that’s terrific. If you don’t feel a wedding is integral to the integrity and longevity of your relationship, that’s great too. What I do have strong feelings about, however, is the way that a marriage certificate is held up as a badge of honour and a measure of success for women. And that’s what’s really going on underneath this whole ‘waiting to be proposed to’ caper, I suspect.

When a woman gets engaged, we rush in with comments like: ‘finally!’, ‘took him long enough!’ and ‘he put a ring on it!’ We never ask the woman whether it was her idea, or why she felt it was time to tie the knot (because she jumped at the chance to get married, obviously… that’s what every girl dreams of, right?!). Equally, we never congratulate a man for his ‘patience’ or applaud him for ‘wearing his partner down’.

And for those women who do take the opportunity to propose, on February 29 or any other day, it’s treated as an oddity – something that warrants a newspaper or magazine story in which the woman justifies her (somewhat pushy) behaviour, and the man is gently asked how he felt about it (because, you know, emasculation).

Oh, I know what you’re thinking – it’s TRADITION for the man to do the proposing. But if a tradition harks back to a time when women had no power to determine their own futures, and when their security (financial, social and physical) was dependent on being awarded a wedding ring, is it really worth striving to uphold?

As recently as 2012, an (admittedly limited) study from the University of California Santa Cruz of 277 men and women found that 0 per cent of respondents wanted the woman in their relationship to do the proposing. Let me repeat that for emphasis… ZERO per cent! Yikes.

A while back a wise friend of mine made the clever observation that the most likely reason many women are eager to have their man get down on bended knee is because we want to be CHOSEN. We want to be able to declare that we’ve been selected by someone and deemed worthy of shared cohabitation forevermore. In short, in the year 2016 many of us still feel we need a glittery ring to affirm our value. This really bothers me.

It bothers me in the first instance because the notion that it’s a man’s job to propose is sexist, and that’s a gender inequality being perpetuated by both men AND women. Furthermore, as someone committed to helping people discover and develop their self-worth, I feel uncomfortable about this because it implies that there are a lot of women who still believe their value in this world is determined by their ability to attract and maintain a long-term relationship. On top of that, it bothers me because it would suggest many women believe gaining someone else’s approval is the only legitimate way for them to feel like they matter – which is waaaaay too much pressure to put on your partner, BTW. Let me make this very clear: if you treat someone as your anchor, they will drown.

And, finally, it also bothers me because it means many women see themselves as lacking power when it comes to the future of their primary relationships. ICYMI: you are the only one in charge of your future. If you can’t ask the person nearest and dearest to you for what you want, how can you expect to create a life you can be proud of? There will always be times in a partnership when one person’s needs will come before the other’s, but that will fluctuate. A healthy relationship is a mutual distribution of power. If you don’t feel like you have a say in the very big question of if and when you will become Mr and Mrs, perhaps you need to ask yourself some other big questions about your relationship’s future. 

The law of attraction. Does it work? YES. Well, most of the time...

When Jim Carrey was a struggling actor, he wrote himself a cheque for $10 million for “acting services rendered”, dating it 10 years from that date. He did this because, despite growing up in poverty (his family lived in a car at one point), he believed he could hit the big time as an actor. And he did. Within 10 years he was earning millions for films such as Ace Ventura and The Mask.

This story is a wonderful illustration of how much power we have to manifest what we want. That’s a message that comes up in angel card readings all the time, and a concept that I’ve used in my own life to get what I had my heart set on. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Alas, this approach is not guaranteed – which can be disappointing. Here are my thoughts on why.

If you read The Secret when it came out a decade ago, you’re probably familiar with the law of attraction (I didn’t; I found it too gimmicky). Here’s the concept in a nutshell: whatever you want, you can attract through your thoughts. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll block what you want, and probably attract what you don’t. 

Here’s how I’ve used the law of attraction to manifest specific things:

* When I needed a car in 2010, I was fearful of buying a car that would break down on me, so I asked the Universe to find me a car like my friend owned, which was cheap to run and super reliable. Within a few days I had spotted that model of car on the side of the road near my house with a ‘for sale’ sign in the window. My dad checked it out and said it was a good buy, so I put in a low offer and got it. Too easy! That car is now owned by my brother and despite being more than 20 years old, it has yet to fail a warrant of fitness.

* When I moved back to Sydney last year I was nervous about making friends. As an introvert, social situations are challenging for me. I visualised myself encircled by a group of friends and laughing – and I returned my thoughts to this vision time and time again. A month after I arrived, the angels drew my attention to a newspaper story about a new social group that had started. I joined the group and within two months I had found myself part of a group of friends who are awesome, and have made me feel like I belong here.

On the other hand, sometimes the law of attraction has not delivered. This can happen because sometimes things that we think we need are actually not right for us. I wouldn’t, for example, recommend focusing on manifesting a winning lottery ticket. Even though you might think a truckload of money is exactly what you need for a better life, the Universe knows better. (Yes, it worked for Jim Carrey, but his goal was more about career success than the financial payoff.)

I have focused on attracting a wonderful man into my life for about four years now, without success. However I can see now that the timing was wrong – I wasn’t ready for a healthy relationship, even though I thought I was. I had so much work to do on myself, in particular, bolstering my woefully low self-esteem (my neediness was hardly an attractive quality). If I’d been in a long-term relationship, I would never have embarked on the journey of personal development that has brought me to where I am now. Not only am I now a more independent, resourceful person who knows that happiness and love are derived from within me rather than in a relationship, I’ve also forged a more fulfilling career in the spiritual realm. I would never have taken this direction I hadn’t delved within to find answers to my own discontentment.

And that’s the thing about the law of attraction – while we do have the power to attract what we want, what we want might not be in our best interests. And we don’t have any say in the timing.
This is why I’m wary of self-help books and wellness bloggers that promise you can have anything you want if you just think positive. This philosophy can lead to disappointment and disillusionment. (I’ve written about the inflated promises dolled out by some sectors of the self-help industry before, read my blog post here.)

Keep believing, people. The law of attraction isn’t a perfect mail order system but it *does* work. (Eventually.)

I’d love to hear how the law of attraction has worked for you. Email me if you’d like to share your story.

Ever had a bullying boss? Chances are, they had solar plexus chakra stuff going on

You know how people talk about having ‘fire in the belly’? That’s an indirect reference to the solar-plexus chakra, which is the energy centre concerned with personal power and control. This is an energy centre I’ve had constant blocks so I’m very familiar with it.

Symbolised by the element of fire, the solar plexus is the third chakra, sitting above the base and the sacral chakras. Located in the middle of your back and belly (just above the navel), it’s all about asserting your power without dominating other people, having will power and being comfortable with your place in the world.

People with blocks in the solar-plexus chakra might be doormats, or at the other end of the scale they could be bullies. They could be low in self-esteem or they could be workaholics.

If your energy in this chakra is balanced, you’ll be confident, flexible, self-disciplined, able to take responsibility for your actions and will have a good appreciation of your personal power (i.e. you don’t need to exert power over others to feel important). You’re just as happy to lead as to be led. You’ll also be warm and playful, because sense of humour is strongly connected to this energy centre (hence the saying ‘belly laughs’).

Even though chakras deal with esoteric energy, your physical energy is also at play in this chakra. If this chakra is balanced, you use your energy wisely – you don’t overextend yourself for long periods, and you don’t waste it on people who drain you.

While the base chakra was about fear and the sacral chakra was about guilt, the solar plexus’ enemy is shame.

(Image: the solar -plexus chakra symbol)

Essentially this chakra about owning your identity and being at peace with where you’re at in life – and it makes sense that that’s lacking in people who are bullies, workaholics or constantly angry.

People who are deficient in energy in the solar plexus chakra might display these characteristics:

· Low or no self-esteem

· Share no opinions, ever

· Avoid conflict at all costs

· Say yes to everything asked of them (hello, doormat!)

· Rely on other people’s validation to feel like they matter

· Passive approach to life (letting opportunities pass them by)

· Victim mentality

· Constant worry about what other people think of them

People with excessive energy in this chakra might have some of these things going on:

· Arrogance

· Constant need to have things their way (in the extreme: bullying)

· A need to be right and to have the last word

· Always having something to prove (typical of workaholics)

· Aggressive and prone to outbursts of anger

· Domineering and controlling

· Always criticising other people and very judgmental

· Perfectionism

· Always stressed out

Balancing this chakra comes back to instilling a healthy sense of self-esteem. If there’s something deep that’s proving an obstacle to healthy self-worth, seeking professional counsel could be helpful. Setting a goal and working towards it can help, as that requires you to back yourself and see yourself as worthy of success. If outbursts of anger are an issue for you, addressing the underlying issues could also be beneficial. Anger is a secondary emotion – it’s always masking a deeper problem, usually a fear of some sort. And of course, reiki is a brilliant way to clear blocks in any chakra.

If you’d like to work with me to heal any of the issues in this article, you can book energy healing sessions here. More information about how I work is available here.  

I’ve got the power – and so do you. Time to stop playing the victim, and use it

If you’re ready to make changes in your life – and since you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming that you are – this is the time to do it. With a full moon tonight in Capricorn – that’s the ultra-ambitious, success-driven sign of the zodiac (shoutout to all the Cappys!) – the energy is right for using your power to create something amazing.

Unfortunately, power has a serious PR problem. We think that it corrupts, dominates and breeds exploitation. In other words, we regard it as a negative entity to be avoided. But in a spiritual sense, power is actually a positive force because it’s what we draw on to make our dreams come true and propel ourselves forward – and for that reason, it’s intrinsically connected to love. It’s only when it’s used out of fear – for example, by world leaders who are so motivated by fear of being inadequate that they fixate on controlling other people – that power gets a bad name.

At many points in my life I have rendered myself powerless. In my early 20s I blamed my flatmates for cooking badly, which gave me an excuse to be overweight. I blamed the economy for my poor cashflow, which gave me an excuse not to manage my funds better. I blamed my industry for being too competitive, which gave me an excuse not to pitch for work I wanted (thereby risking failure). I blamed my city for being too boring, which gave me an excuse not to work harder at overcoming my shyness barrier and extending my social circle (thereby risking rejection). Oh, poor me!

When you’ve cast yourself as the victim, as I had, you are giving away your power. You are blaming other people – your lazy partner, your inept boss, your unforgiving father, whoever it is – for the state of your life. If your problems are someone else’s fault, that (conveniently) means you don’t have to take responsibility for your choices. You have licence to test the patience of your friends by whingeing and complaining all the live long day. Poor you.

It took a very long time for me to accept that nothing was going to change until I did. The point of power was in my decision to adjust the way I had framed these situations in my mind. Even if you can’t change your situation, you can always change the way you think about it. Taking control of your thoughts, and not resenting others for the landscape of your life, is the first step in taking back your power. And that gives rise to action.

If your life isn’t playing out how you’d like it to, ask yourself honestly if you have been blaming someone else for that. Other people may well be involved, complicit and even influential, but ultimately you hold all the cards. You have the power to change the situation and yield a better result – for everyone. To borrow a cliché, the best time to do that is yesterday, and the second best time is today. With 2015 being a ‘number eight year’ (read more here) and the full moon beaming out in Capricorn, this is a – ahem – powerful time to be alive. We have the power to create a shiny new reality for ourselves and others around us. Things that may not have seemed possible in previous years are no longer closed off. Who would have thought the US would finally legalise same-sex marriage?! This proves that wonderful things are possible when you act from a place of love. And despite its image problem, power is all about love. When you truly know how much value you hold, you know that you deserve to have your dreams come true, and you’ll feel inspired to utilise the power available to you to make that happen.  

The onus is on you, right now, to take back your own power and use it to get what you want (what you want, what you really really want). Be bold. Be creative. Be your own hero. The Universe responds to thoughts, prayers and affirmations, but it bends most favourably in your direction when you take action. Go do that.