What are you waiting for? The ugly truth about why women won't propose to their boyfriends

Brace yourselves – an onslaught of cringey ‘I proposed to my boyfriend’ media stories is imminent.

Yep, it’s a Leap Year. And February 29th, as everyone knows, is the only time women are allowed to play a powerful role in determining the future of their relationships. *eyeroll*

Well, I think it’s about time this ridiculously outdated custom went the way of fax machines and scrunchies (i.e. filed under ‘embarrassing’ in the history books).

Look, I know not everyone is a fan of marriage. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way. If ritual and a legally binding contract are important to you, that’s terrific. If you don’t feel a wedding is integral to the integrity and longevity of your relationship, that’s great too. What I do have strong feelings about, however, is the way that a marriage certificate is held up as a badge of honour and a measure of success for women. And that’s what’s really going on underneath this whole ‘waiting to be proposed to’ caper, I suspect.

When a woman gets engaged, we rush in with comments like: ‘finally!’, ‘took him long enough!’ and ‘he put a ring on it!’ We never ask the woman whether it was her idea, or why she felt it was time to tie the knot (because she jumped at the chance to get married, obviously… that’s what every girl dreams of, right?!). Equally, we never congratulate a man for his ‘patience’ or applaud him for ‘wearing his partner down’.

And for those women who do take the opportunity to propose, on February 29 or any other day, it’s treated as an oddity – something that warrants a newspaper or magazine story in which the woman justifies her (somewhat pushy) behaviour, and the man is gently asked how he felt about it (because, you know, emasculation).

Oh, I know what you’re thinking – it’s TRADITION for the man to do the proposing. But if a tradition harks back to a time when women had no power to determine their own futures, and when their security (financial, social and physical) was dependent on being awarded a wedding ring, is it really worth striving to uphold?

As recently as 2012, an (admittedly limited) study from the University of California Santa Cruz of 277 men and women found that 0 per cent of respondents wanted the woman in their relationship to do the proposing. Let me repeat that for emphasis… ZERO per cent! Yikes.

A while back a wise friend of mine made the clever observation that the most likely reason many women are eager to have their man get down on bended knee is because we want to be CHOSEN. We want to be able to declare that we’ve been selected by someone and deemed worthy of shared cohabitation forevermore. In short, in the year 2016 many of us still feel we need a glittery ring to affirm our value. This really bothers me.

It bothers me in the first instance because the notion that it’s a man’s job to propose is sexist, and that’s a gender inequality being perpetuated by both men AND women. Furthermore, as someone committed to helping people discover and develop their self-worth, I feel uncomfortable about this because it implies that there are a lot of women who still believe their value in this world is determined by their ability to attract and maintain a long-term relationship. On top of that, it bothers me because it would suggest many women believe gaining someone else’s approval is the only legitimate way for them to feel like they matter – which is waaaaay too much pressure to put on your partner, BTW. Let me make this very clear: if you treat someone as your anchor, they will drown.

And, finally, it also bothers me because it means many women see themselves as lacking power when it comes to the future of their primary relationships. ICYMI: you are the only one in charge of your future. If you can’t ask the person nearest and dearest to you for what you want, how can you expect to create a life you can be proud of? There will always be times in a partnership when one person’s needs will come before the other’s, but that will fluctuate. A healthy relationship is a mutual distribution of power. If you don’t feel like you have a say in the very big question of if and when you will become Mr and Mrs, perhaps you need to ask yourself some other big questions about your relationship’s future. 

What makes someone an inspiration? And is it really fair to call them that?

Has anyone else noticed how often the word ‘inspirational’ is used these days? On the TV show The Voice recently a contestant was described as an inspiration  – which he absolutely was – so many times that it started to sound a little trite. It got me thinking – what actually makes someone inspiring? And if that description is based on someone’s physical disability, as it was in this case, is that label helpful?  I have a very personal reason to be cautious about my use of the word ‘inspiration’.

But let me backtrack.

I know a lot of my readers are overseas, so I’ll explain first up that The Voice is number one in Australia’s ratings every night it airs, so please forgive me for this reality TV reference – everybody is talking about this show. A few weeks back, a wonderful man called Tim moved us all with his soaring, angelic (and I do not use that descriptor lightly) rendition of Nessun Dorma. But although the coaches did speak highly of his vocal prowess, what dominated their appraisals on that night and on his two subsequent performances was the word ‘inspirational’. You see, Tim is in a wheelchair, paralysed from the chest down. This means he cannot feel his diaphragm – a muscle singers need to control in order to perfect their sound. This truly makes him inspirational because he refused to give up on his dream of singing, and displayed remarkable tenacity to find a way to attain such vocal purity.

But here’s where I had an issue (and yes, I know I’m focusing on the wrong thing) – it felt like he didn't get the same treatment as other contestants. I can certainly understand why the coaches focused on his remarkable story initially, but as he progressed in the competition they didn’t give him anything constructive to work on, or spur him on to greater things as they did for other contestants (although I realise this may be due to TV editing). I can’t speak for Tim but I did wonder whether he might have preferred that his voice be judged on its own merit, as it was for the able-bodied contestants. He did comment that he was proud to have the opportunity to inspire people to pursue their dreams no matter what obstacles they face, so it’s clear that he was happy to be seen as inspirational. This is only my opinion, but I think he deserved to be portrayed on the show as a talented singer, not a singer in a wheelchair. I say this because many disabled people yearn for people to see beyond their disability. Their deepest desire is to be accepted for what they are (talented, valuable) rather than what they are not (able bodied).

My sister is disabled. Her physical challenges are complicated and largely diagnosable but to give you a very broad overview, she has skeletal deformities which have given her a noticeable hunchback and impaired her lung function. With just 17 per cent lung capacity she is constantly short of breath, can’t walk far (she has a wheelchair for long distances) and is chronically low on energy.  If you should ever meet her – you should; she’s rad! – I would strongly suggest you never tell her inspires you. She will get very, very cross with you.

And this is why. Although she deals with challenges that most of us do not, she does not see herself as lacking in any way. She does not wake up every morning and decide to be heroic, she simply gets up and gets on with her day, the same as you and I do. She is not a battler, not a role model, and not special. Like all of us, she is simply playing the hand she’s been dealt. As she puts it: “I am not an inspiration, I am just living my life.”

As a society we have been known to put the disabled on a pedestal instead of treating them as equals, and there’s something inherently patronising about that. A random older lady once told my sister: “It’s lovely to see you people out and about.” This makes my blood boil. Firstly, anyone who uses the phrase ‘you people’ to isolate a group of humans can fuck off back to Judgment Town. Secondly, anyone who derives personal satisfaction from bearing witness to my sister's grocery purchases is clearly living a very small life.

I love my sister with a fierceness that I had not known possible before her arrival, and I deeply admire her for her buoyant spirit, her emotional resilience, her commitment to fighting for social justice and her beautiful heart, among countless other things. But she is not an inspiration to me. Saddling her with the label ‘inspirational’ would highlight the ways she is different from me instead of giving her the space to simply be herself. No one should be defined by their weight, skin colour or any other element concerning their physical body. The body, after all, is just a home that your soul lives in.

We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. And we all absolutely deserve that.

Maybe, instead of looking to other people for inspiration, we should be our own heroes. That’s what an inspiration is, right? It’s someone who motivates you to be better than you are today. Maybe you could go ahead and just be that person yourself. Pretty radical, hey?