Confessions of a crap meditator

When my mother was a child, she enrolled in ballet lessons, full of enthusiasm… then quit after a month because they wouldn’t teach her how to dance Swan Lake. I’ve always loved this anecdote, not only because it brilliantly illustrates that self-righteous indignation particular to pre-teen girls, but also because I can understand her objection to pursuing an activity she didn’t immediately excel at.

Generally speaking, I go out of my way to avoid things I’m not good at – budgeting, walking in heels, samurai-sword fighting (admittedly this last one is not an everyday problem). But meditation has been the one thing I continue to do even though I fail at it again and again and again.

In a world which focuses on results, success and achievement, committing every day to doing something I have yet to improve at feels a little, well, pointless. But that’s exactly the point. 

My daily meditations go from 10 to 20 minutes. Approximately 45 seconds in, my attention starts to wander. I’ll be breathing slowly and deeply, feeling my body start to relax, then my mind will panic about not being in control. Then it stages a takeover bid. Is that rain outside? I need to renew my domain name soon. Did I ever reply to Mum’s text? What kind of weird-arse bird makes that sound? 

Here are some strategies I’ve employed at various points in a bid to stay focused on my practice: repeating mantras, letting go of my thoughts as soon as they appear (trying to let them simply pass), concentrating on each part of my body and letting it relax, using guided meditations. These are sometimes effective, sometimes not. I can proudly declare that I have been meditating almost every day for about three years and am just as crap today as the day I started. 

I’m telling you this because whenever I deliver a message from the angels about the need to meditate, nine times out of 10 I will get this response: ‘I’m no good at meditating’. I’m sure there are lots of holier-than-thou spiritual types who will tell you how good they are at meditating, but I’m a very realistic spiritual type. So here’s the truth: I’m no good at meditating. And this is not a reason not to continue with my practice. It’s actually an excellent reason TO do it. 

The philosophy of meditation is that there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditation practice – it’s the process itself that matters. You’re discouraged from putting a judgment on the quality of the practice. It’s normal for thoughts to appear in your brain – in fact, it’s almost impossible to clear your mind of all thoughts – the trick is not to engage with those thoughts. If you can resist that, you’ll go deep and experience the level of calm that will melt your stress and change the shape of your day. Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki explains it as follows: “In [meditation] leave your front door and back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.”

The theory’s good, the practice, less so.

I have had some sublime moments while meditating. A few times I have felt myself lifting right out of my body. I had a sense of floating above in a divine light. It lasted mere seconds but I have never forgotten that feeling. 

I’ve also had very clear messages from my intuition while meditating that have proved immensely helpful in my life, which is a major reason I persevere with it, even though I am often frustrated by my tendency to lose focus and my frequent struggle to let go completely.

The inescapable truth is that even when I feel like I haven’t had a particularly beneficial meditation, I still feel better than I would have if I hadn’t meditated at all. I feel calmer, more centred and fractionally more powerful. Even wine can’t do that (although, sometimes it momentarily fools me into believing it can). 

If you’re struggling with meditation, feeling like you’re doing it wrong or that you’re just not spiritual enough, I feel you. But you’re going to have to come up with a better reason not to commit to this hugely powerful, transformative activity. In a loud, crazy-busy and confusing world, we all need periods of stillness like we never have before. Even when you lose, you’re actually winning. So keep trying, keep failing. You will be better for it. 

RELATED POSTS: Mind and matter – how meditation has changed my world 
Rocking my body. How meditation can affect your health on a deep level

We have insurance for fire and theft, but how do we insure against emotional crises?

I am insured for all sorts of disastrous events that are highly unlikely to happen – touch wood! – but no one is offering me insurance against the sorts of things that are actually likely to derail me throughout my life. There’s a good reason for that – any company offering insurance against heartbreak, friendship breakdowns, career crises and cripplingly low mood would go bankrupt. But as I went through the process of assessing my insurance arrangements recently, I started thinking about whether I’m doing enough to insure myself against the highly damaging events that we’re all subject to, at one point or another. A sort of emotional insurance, I guess. Obviously nothing can prevent tough times, but there are lots of ways we can minimise the damage, and bounce back more quickly.

Here are a few of the things I came up with. Some of these I am already doing, others I need to make a better effort at.

EXERCISING SELF-CARE

For some reason, we tend to be great at looking after other people and really crap at looking after ourselves – women, especially. I’m certainly not going to hold myself up as a model of good behaviour. I know how important it is to eat well, drink plenty of water and get enough exercise and sleep, and although I fall down in one or more of these areas at times, I think I’m doing a pretty good job overall. I don’t practise self-care out of a sense of obligation – unlike the types of people who make a show of eating a salad 'to be good', as if trying to win brownie points with their body – I do it because I know how much better I feel when my body is getting what it needs. If I feel like a chocolate bar I’m going to eat a chocolate bar, and not feel guilty about it – self-care is not a slavish devotion to healthy living. 

SETTING GOALS

Choosing something to aim for – running a marathon, setting a savings goal, shooting for a work promotion – does a lot to enhance your emotional health. Firstly, it lifts you out of a sense of feeling stuck and dissatisfied with your life. Secondly, backing yourself to strive for something reinforces your sense of self-worth. And finally, the sense of satisfaction from achieving a goal further boosts your self-esteem. Having healthy self-esteem is a big, big deal – it means you’re better able to weather difficult times and more likely to form healthy, nourishing relationships. 

COMMITTING TO DAILY MEDITATION

Look, I know I talk about meditation a lot, but honestly, it is the best tool I have in my arsenal for staying calm and focused. That doesn’t mean I don’t lose my shit sometimes, but it does mean my emotional baseline is higher – I can return to a calm centre more easily, and from there my intuition is more accessible. Deepak Chopra says that meditation isn’t about making your mind be quiet, it’s about tapping into the quiet that is already within you. I love that.

CONNECTING

This is a big one for me, because I’m introverted and have a tendency to isolate myself. For the most part that is not a problem, however, if I become totally reclusive that’s unhealthy. Why? Because it’s our relationships to others that give our lives meaning. Spending time with people we love is consistently rated as one of life’s most enriching experiences. And no, connecting on social media doesn’t count.

Connecting to your community, too, is hugely beneficial for your emotional health, through volunteering, joining groups and attending local events. This is an important way to protect yourself against feeling isolated and lonely.

PRACTISING GRATITUDE

Another thing I bang on about – for good reason. Across the board in positive psychology research, gratitude is consistently associated with happiness. Reflecting on what’s great in your life, instead of what you perceive to be wrong, in a sincere way – not a vapid "beyond blessed" way, a la celebs on Instagram – will always bring you back to a state of contentment. If you’re aware of how wonderful your life truly is, you’ll treat yourself better, will make better choices and you’ll commit to overcoming obstacles with a greater sense of resolve. I have no research to prove this, I just know that this is true. Kinda makes sense, if you think about it. 

The best part: there are no pricey premiums on this insurance policy, and the payoff is readily accessible.

Mind and matter - how meditation has changed my world

As I write this, I’m sitting in the park on my lunch break, watching a guy meditate. Wait, that sounds creepy. I’m not *watching* him, he just happens to be in my line of vision. He’s sitting in lotus position, with his hands in mudra, completely consumed in stillness while the world continues to beat its crazy tune around him. My attention keeps coming back to him – in a non-creepy way, just want to make that clear – because he is meditating. In public. And no-one is looking.

This is a wonderful thing, because it shows how far our consciousness has evolved. It’s now acceptable for someone to meditate in public and not attract attention from anyone. (Except me, obvs, BUT I’M NOT A CREEPER, OK?!)

Meditation used to be regarded as the domain of lentil-loving hippies and daydreaming types. No longer. Celebrities such as Russell Brand, Miranda Kerr, Hugh Jackman and Lena Dunham are all devotees, and from the meditation workshops I’ve attended over the years it’s clear a wide spectrum of people are on board with this life-affirming practice. And given the immense benefits from meditation – it slows your heart rate (as I found out in dramatic fashion), calms your central nervous system and improves just about every function of your body – I’d wager this is not a passing trend. Simply by meditating regularly, people are becoming calmer, more emotionally resilient, less stressed, more centred, more loving and more present. That’s some serious power right there.

Last month I went along to a screening of The Connection, a brilliant documentary by Sydney journalist Shannon Harvey which explored the relationship between spiritual health and physical health. (Shoutout to the awesome team at Films for Change for bringing us these stirring cinematic experiences.) The most startling revelation for me was a medical researcher’s statement that our genes are not fixed – meditation can flip the switch on genes that cause disease. This means that through the simple regular practice of meditation we can actually alter our bodies at a cellular level. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how remarkable this is.

If you’ve dabbled in meditation but abandoned it because you were short of time (top tip: no one ‘finds’ time, they ‘make’ time) or thought you sucked at it (another tip: you don’t), I urge you to give it another crack. And then to keep going.

Here are some great places to go for meditation instruction and inspiration:

·         Google your local Buddhist centre, which is bound to be running workshops and sessions teaching meditation.

·        Headspace (www.headspace.com) – described as a gym for your mind, this app is a wonderful resource for rookies. It offers 10 free meditations and a more in-depth series to subscribers.

·        Omvana (www.omvana.com) – a constantly updated app placing a wide range of meditations at your disposal.

·        Belinda Davison (http://belindadavidson.com/free-resources) – she calls herself a psychic without a woo-woo bone in her body, and provides a series of free meditations focused on chakra clearing.

·        Tom Cronin (www.tomcronin.com) – a meditation teacher who offers online courses as well as workshops in Sydney. He also runs a fantastic free group meditation called the Stillness Project in the CBD on Monday nights, which I highly recommend.

Rocking my body. How meditation can affect your health on a deep level

A weird thing happened to me when I gave blood recently. This isn’t, by the way, a story to encourage you all to donate blood (although you absolutely should). This is about how I discovered that I have the power to control my body in a really powerful way.

Because I once fainted while giving blood, I’m aware of the need to keep my body calm during this important process. In a bid to avoid a repeat performance of the losing-consciousness-then-needing-emergency-intervention-and-vomiting-everywhere situation, I had a genius idea: meditation! What better way to keep my body calm and well out of shock territory?

This was not a good idea, as it turns out. What happened was, my heart rate dropped so low that alarm bells started going off – literally! – and the staff rushed over to check that I was not on the verge of fainting. (I wasn’t.) That’s when I realised it might be a good idea to keep my heart rate fairly fast so it can pump blood effectively.

Guys, I slowed down my own heart rate! This is an incredibly empowering realisation. There’s plenty of scientific research out there to prove that meditation can calm your entire body but it’s something else to actually see that happen. Not only did this confirm to me that meditation is a wonderful tool (when used in the right setting; ie not in a blood-donation situation), it’s also a reminder that my heart responds directly to what my brain tells it.

So maybe I should be telling it to open up more. To trust. To dance. To take risks. To light the way forward.

This reminds me of a beautiful passage from Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist – a book I adore so much that it would be a desert-island item for me – about talking to your heart: "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

I think I’m going to do that more often now.

In praise of spiritual men

A while ago I attended a one-day course at my local Buddhist centre which was both uplifting and grounding at the same time. Anyway, one of the main things that struck me was the number of men in attendance. Out of a class of 100, there were maybe 40 men. By comparison, last year I attended a three-day spiritual workshop which was maybe 10 per cent men.

What's this all about? Is it that women, being more emotional creatures (which is a GOOD thing, FYI), are more likely to feel an affinity with matters spiritual? Or is there some sort of stigma about spiritualism, ie is it incompatible with conventional ideas about masculinity? If that’s the case, we definitely need to have a conversation. Because – and I can only speak for myself – I think a self-aware, questioning, deep-thinking man is highly attractive :)

Men who mediate – yes please. Bros who do yoga (broga?) – yes and yes.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE (SPIRITUAL) BOYS!