If you are too busy to read this, you definitely need to read this

It’s hard to believe that three years ago I was complaining that I was bored. My life felt empty and lacked purpose. I was lonely and felt trapped in a life that I had outgrown (but felt too scared to re-imagine). I struggled to get to sleep at night, and didn’t understand why.

But now, having moved countries, found a new social circle, discovered my life purpose, started my spiritual business and a new relationship, I am so bereft of ‘spare time’ that I am considering sending out a search party for it.

Given where I once was, this is a pretty great problem to have.

That’s something I’ve been trying to remind myself when I feel panicky about the dust piling up on my furniture (really must make cleaning a priority!) or my poor track record when it comes to catching up with friends (thank goodness for instant messaging!). There is vastly more right with this picture than there is wrong. And actually, what appears wrong is simply the result of my change-resistant, controlly brain trying to, well, resist change and be in control.

The wonderful Kris Carr recently posted a quote online that hit the mark for me: “Don’t forget how badly you once wanted what you have now.”

I had forgotten. I had forgotten what it was like to not be the me that I am now. Instead of focusing on my gratitude for how far I had come, I was focusing on the areas where I was (or at least, I perceived I was) falling short. I was looking at the hole, instead of the doughnut.
When I focus my attention on all the blessings in my life, and how far I’ve come, my discomfort at what isn’t perfect shrinks. Would a sparkling-clean kitchen make my heart sing? Unlikely. And it wouldn’t lessen my sense of overwhelm either – because I would still have plenty on my plate. The only solution, then, is acceptance. My life is busy, sure, and often tiring, but it is also rich and love-filled and glorious.

If your life feels shambolic, and there’s not much you can do to change that, you can still change the way you look at it. 

Bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert rails against use of the word ‘balance’. She is constantly asked in magazine interviews and reader meet-and-greets how she achieves balance. Unfortunately, this is a question that, as a journalist, I’m required by editors to ask every woman I interview (NEVER men – which tells you exactly how fucked up the concept of ‘balance’ is). Gilbert objects to the question on the grounds that the word balance has, she writes, “tilted dangerously close to the word perfect”.

She explains: “To say that someone has found the secret to a balanced life is to suggest that they have solved life, and that they now float through their days in a constant state of grace and ease, never suffering stress, ambivalence, confusion, exhaustion, anger, fear or regret. Which is a wonderful description of nobody, ever,” she wrote in a Facebook post.

Gilbert argues there is no such thing as balance, so seeking it is an exercise in futility. Her solution, instead, is to embrace the madness. Life is as messy as a dropped pie, she says, and instead of wasting energy trying to put it back together, the only solution is to grab a fork and eat a mouthful as you continue on your way.

Here is my solution: I am not trying to fix my out-of-kilter schedule. I am, however, getting better at saying ‘no’ to people so that I am not running myself completely ragged, and I am making regular downtime a priority amid the chaos. I am doing my best to keep in contact with friends electronically, and I am trying to make the time I spend with people quality time (instead of snatched bursts of hurried conversations with one eye on my phone). This is the best I can do right now. And that is enough.

It’s time to stop worrying about not having enough time, and instead, to change the way we think about time. To recognise and celebrate all that makes our lives so wonderful and fulfilling, and to acknowledge that we are doing the very best we can.

It’s also – since I’ve put the idea in your head – time to eat a doughnut. Or a pie.

When it comes to love and kindness, the little things are really the big things

If I asked you to name your most meaningful experiences from the past 12 months, you would, I suspect, start filing through your brain for extraordinary events. You would tell me about the weddings you attended, the holidays you took, the babies you met for the first time and the promotions or professional awards you scored. You would not, I suspect, mention the hug you gave a workmate that she really needed but could not find the words to ask for, the time you got the bus driver wait for someone who was running behind, the money you donated to a charity or the delighted smile you received from your grandma when you popped over for a cup of tea.

We tend to think that the milestones and the firsts are the most meaningful moments in our lives, so we cherish those memories (and for good reason). We tend to disregard the brief moments of connection that don’t change our lives irrevocably, but carry layers of meaning we don’t perceive right away. I believe – and I’ve said this many times – that the little things are really the big things.

There used to be a forwarded email doing the rounds (remember the days when we used to forward emails instead of retweeting or sharing on Facebook?!) by an anonymous woman who described how her boyfriend always waved to strangers when he’s driving, even if they look at him like he’s a weirdo. When she asked him why he did this, he told her that he’d read stories by people who had attempted suicide; some had said that if they’d been acknowledged by someone else they wouldn’t have wanted to end their lives. For that reason, he was committed to extending warmth to everyone he saw, to make sure no one felt invisible or insignificant. This is a very small act of kindness, but a very powerful one.

Of course we should celebrate the big stuff, but I wish we could do a better job at recognising the successes that really reflect our job in this lifetime – the times we give love to others, and received it with gratitude. One of the best things that happened to me last week was an out-of-the-blue phone call from a friend in the US who knew I’d been going through a rough time, so wanted to check how I was going. I doubt that was a big deal for her, but to me it meant the world.

Brené Brown writes: “Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.” Sometimes in those ordinary moments, we’re a conduit to other people’s joy – and we may not even realise it. To me, that is the very definition of extraordinary.

I hope you create and experience lots of little wins this week. 

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It's a good day to be thankful

Even though we don’t do Thanksgiving here in Australia, I like to use the occasion to do a kind of gratitude stocktake.

While most of us have a vague understanding that gratitude can raise our mood and our life satisfaction levels, in practice we’re not so good at actually maximising this superpower. Most of us, it’s fair to say, have a tendency to ‘focus on the hole and not the doughnut’, if you know what I mean.

It’s not just our emotional health that benefits when we focus on gratitude, our physical health gets a boost too. Research by Professor Paul Mills from the University of California San Diego School of Medicine found that heart disease patients who kept a gratitude journal had reduced their risk of ongoing heart issues after two months. And similar studies have shown a reduction in stress hormones in those who focus on gratitude.

Thanksgiving seems like the opportune time to, you know, give thanks. Last night I sat down with a pink pen and a pretty notepad (related: I am grateful for cute stationery) and listed all the awesomnity in my life. It was fun and it helped me to see clearly how much I have to celebrate. Afterwards, I felt like life had given me a giant hug. My list included everything from my sister’s cute jokes to my long legs to having a warm, safe place to live to being the most contended I’ve ever been in my adult life.

When you write something down, you amplify that message. It’s the equivalent of speaking to the Universe through a loudspeaker. Writing down what you’re grateful for is saying very clearly: “I am in love with my life, and I’m ready for more blessings.”

I know that right now you do not have everything you want. (Me neither.) But what you do have is immensely valuable, and finding a way to take stock of that really helps you appreciate that value at a deep level.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says: “You were given life. It is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within it, no matter how slight.”

You are very, very lucky, and very, very loved. Happy Thanksgiving xx

We have insurance for fire and theft, but how do we insure against emotional crises?

I am insured for all sorts of disastrous events that are highly unlikely to happen – touch wood! – but no one is offering me insurance against the sorts of things that are actually likely to derail me throughout my life. There’s a good reason for that – any company offering insurance against heartbreak, friendship breakdowns, career crises and cripplingly low mood would go bankrupt. But as I went through the process of assessing my insurance arrangements recently, I started thinking about whether I’m doing enough to insure myself against the highly damaging events that we’re all subject to, at one point or another. A sort of emotional insurance, I guess. Obviously nothing can prevent tough times, but there are lots of ways we can minimise the damage, and bounce back more quickly.

Here are a few of the things I came up with. Some of these I am already doing, others I need to make a better effort at.

EXERCISING SELF-CARE

For some reason, we tend to be great at looking after other people and really crap at looking after ourselves – women, especially. I’m certainly not going to hold myself up as a model of good behaviour. I know how important it is to eat well, drink plenty of water and get enough exercise and sleep, and although I fall down in one or more of these areas at times, I think I’m doing a pretty good job overall. I don’t practise self-care out of a sense of obligation – unlike the types of people who make a show of eating a salad 'to be good', as if trying to win brownie points with their body – I do it because I know how much better I feel when my body is getting what it needs. If I feel like a chocolate bar I’m going to eat a chocolate bar, and not feel guilty about it – self-care is not a slavish devotion to healthy living. 

SETTING GOALS

Choosing something to aim for – running a marathon, setting a savings goal, shooting for a work promotion – does a lot to enhance your emotional health. Firstly, it lifts you out of a sense of feeling stuck and dissatisfied with your life. Secondly, backing yourself to strive for something reinforces your sense of self-worth. And finally, the sense of satisfaction from achieving a goal further boosts your self-esteem. Having healthy self-esteem is a big, big deal – it means you’re better able to weather difficult times and more likely to form healthy, nourishing relationships. 

COMMITTING TO DAILY MEDITATION

Look, I know I talk about meditation a lot, but honestly, it is the best tool I have in my arsenal for staying calm and focused. That doesn’t mean I don’t lose my shit sometimes, but it does mean my emotional baseline is higher – I can return to a calm centre more easily, and from there my intuition is more accessible. Deepak Chopra says that meditation isn’t about making your mind be quiet, it’s about tapping into the quiet that is already within you. I love that.

CONNECTING

This is a big one for me, because I’m introverted and have a tendency to isolate myself. For the most part that is not a problem, however, if I become totally reclusive that’s unhealthy. Why? Because it’s our relationships to others that give our lives meaning. Spending time with people we love is consistently rated as one of life’s most enriching experiences. And no, connecting on social media doesn’t count.

Connecting to your community, too, is hugely beneficial for your emotional health, through volunteering, joining groups and attending local events. This is an important way to protect yourself against feeling isolated and lonely.

PRACTISING GRATITUDE

Another thing I bang on about – for good reason. Across the board in positive psychology research, gratitude is consistently associated with happiness. Reflecting on what’s great in your life, instead of what you perceive to be wrong, in a sincere way – not a vapid "beyond blessed" way, a la celebs on Instagram – will always bring you back to a state of contentment. If you’re aware of how wonderful your life truly is, you’ll treat yourself better, will make better choices and you’ll commit to overcoming obstacles with a greater sense of resolve. I have no research to prove this, I just know that this is true. Kinda makes sense, if you think about it. 

The best part: there are no pricey premiums on this insurance policy, and the payoff is readily accessible.

Even if it's cold outside, you can make your own sunshine

Yes, it’s very cold. It’s winter; that happens. (Apologies to my northern hemisphere readers – I’ll direct you back to this post in December.) Since it’s harder to fall in love with life when the days are grey and your fingers are blue, I thought I’d share some of the ways I like to warm myself up. Not physically – I’d like to think you have your heating sitch sorted (if not, call your dad; I can’t help you) – but from within. Basing your happiness levels on what’s happening outdoors is a risky play, but bringing pockets of joy into your own world no matter what the temperature is a pretty good foundation. It starts with the little things, and gratitude and joy flow from there. Even if it’s summer where you are, seeking out ways to break up the ‘work/eat/sleep/rinse and repeat’ routine can give you a fresh lease on life.

Here are some of my favourite winter warmers:

·         Cheese and crackers on the floor – just for yourself. I love doing this on a Friday night… putting on a DVD and sitting on the floor with a doona (non-Aussie friends: that’s a quilt). If I had enough clean sheets, I’d be making a fort. (Play is not just for children, you know.)

·         Buying new music. Music has the ability to take you someplace else. You can never have too much of it in your life. Get downloading (legally, obvs).

·         Wearing sexy undies under trackpants. Because, in case no one has told you this lately, you are really hot. Don’t forget that.

·         Rearrange the furniture in your room or your house. Make a wall montage by printing off a bunch of rad pictures from Pinterest, and interspersing them with snaps of your favourite people. If this isn’t a good reminder of what matters in life, I don’t know what is.

·         Drink new herbal teas. Never, ever underestimate the power of tea. I call it a hug in a mug, for good reason.

·         Candles. Burning a fragrant candle can completely change the energy of your house = instant mood lift. Remember to buy only soy or beeswax candles though – paraffin is toxic.

·         Book a holiday, and start planning it. Sometimes having something to look forward to is all it takes to break up a sense of routine.

·         Buy a luxe lifestyle magazine. Then sit and read it, from cover to cover. You guys remember what magazines are, right? I hope so.

·         Start a happiness jar, like Liz Gilbert. She swears by it.

·         Movement – in any form. Dance around your house. Go to a dance class. Go for a run. Getting your body moving will lift your endorphins.

Got any suggestions? Post to my Facebook page or my Instagram post.