And they all lived uncertainly ever after

And they lived happily ever after.

These are the magical words that neatly wrap up a story. As a child, I would hear this sentence at the end of my bedtime story and know immediately that everything would be wonderful. No more disasters. No more deaths. No more ill-fitting shoes or evil stepmothers.

This set me up very poorly for dating in adulthood, I have to say.

If I know a movie has a disappointing ending, I don’t bother watching it. If I suspect the characters in a book are heading for a grim fate, I either skip to the end or just abandon the story completely. Essentially, I don’t want to invest time or energy into something if I don’t know how it will end. 

You can see how this is problematic when it comes to dating, that complicated dance in which the only certainty is uncertainty.

I’ve started seeing someone after many years flying solo. This was not planned. I did not decide that there was something missing in my life (there isn’t). I did not feel there I was failing at life because I was single (I wasn’t). I met someone and felt an instant attraction to him and, yes, it’s fun and exciting... but it’s also forcing me to confront a whole lot of old crap that's been lurking in my subconscious. My fear of rejection. My fear of becoming dependent on someone, at the cost of my independence. My fear that I’m not worthy of love.

None of this ever happened in the fairytales.

The fact that being with someone is triggering so many of my deepest fears is a good thing – it’s giving me the opportunity to clear them so I can move into a space of greater confidence and self-acceptance. As I’ve noted on this blog many times, when it comes to dealing with fear, the only way out is through. Hello, trust issues. Hello, fragility. Hello, guarded heart.

The challenge for me is to see all of these deeply imbedded fears, and to keep showing up and opening up anyway. To take the risk despite there being no guarantee of a good outcome with this guy, or any other guy, for that matter. To do this is to be vulnerable. To do this is to connect with another on a whole new level. To do this is to be the truest me I have ever been.

I’ve asked the angels to tell me whether this is a relationship worth delving into all these dark emotions for, and they won’t tell me. They aren’t saying it will end well, or badly, they will only tell me to keep going. That this is for my greatest good, and I don’t need to know what will happen. (I beg to differ, but experience has shown me that I am no expert in determining what is for my best interests.) I’m really not on board with this whole ‘let’s just see what happens’ sitch. I feel like if I knew how this will play out, I could make some smart life choices here – and, ideally, avoid emotional devastation. But despite having some ability to see the future, I’m not being shown the final page on this one. I can’t learn the lessons I need to learn without experiencing the middle chapters.

It would appear, in conclusion, that the Rolling Stones were right all along – you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. Which is pretty far from a fairytale, but it’s the best I’m going to get.

Maybe that’s the point – less focus on the happy ending, more on the new beginning.

And they all lived uncertainly ever after.

The year 2015 – it was good for me. Was it good for you?

Tis the season for an onslaught of New Year ‘Imma change everything’ status updates and extreme healthy eating promises that will be long forgotten by February.

I’m guilty of the same.

Almost every year, an editor will commission me to write a feature about how people can make their New Year resolutions last, and I dutifully interview an expert who will utter proclamations about goals that are ‘achievable’, ‘realistic’ and ‘meaningful’ – great guidelines that I never take on board myself. Every December I find myself taking stock of my life and making plans for how I can improve myself. And every December I find myself reaching more or less the same conclusion: the most significant changes in the year were the ones I did not intend to happen. The significant growth I’ve made this year has been a byproduct rather than a direct result of any actions I took.

Here were my nine (wait, what?!) goals for 2015, and an assessment of how they went:

LEARN REIKI. I did it! I’m now a fully qualified (and practising) reiki practitioner.

One Grounded Angel's display at the Festival Of Dreams.

BUILD MY BLOG WITH THREE POSTS A WEEK. I started off well, but by about June I realised how demanding this was, and I pulled back to once or twice a week, which I’ve maintained successfully. But the blog has definitely grown steadily, along with my social media audience, so I’m calling this a win.

MORE FUN. Having realised how out of balance my life was, I decided to lock in one fun activity a month. This is the sad reality of being a busy adult – fun has to be scheduled. This started off brilliantly. I went indoor trampolining. I hired a bike and rode along an unfamiliar stretch of coastline. I said yes to weekends away with people I did not know. I used my tax refund to book a trip to New York (finally!). But when the weather got colder I stopped making this a priority. It’ll be a focus for 2016 too, but in a less regimented format.

DO YOGA ONCE A WEEK. I kept this up for most of the year – and really benefited from it – until I went on holiday in August and never really went back. I want to commit to this again.

DO MORE PROFESSIONAL ANGEL CARD READINGS. Nailed it.

WRITE TWO SHORT STORIES (FICTION). I wrote one (which isn’t too shabby) and started another (which had good framework but I lost enthusiasm for it). I’d like to at least get this partial story completed. Not for the story itself but because the process of making time for creativity benefits me on so many levels.

I made it to New York! Here I am at the Empire State Building.

GET THREE WORTHY FEATURES PUBLISHED. I set this goal because the stories I’d been writing (for work) were mediocre, and I wanted to write stories that align with my overarching goal of purpose of helping people live more meaningful lives. I managed to do two features that fit this goal, and have been commissioned to write for another in 2016. A partial win.

DO MORE VOLUNTEER WORK. Fail. I have continued volunteering at a retirement home one Saturday a week but did not take on anything extra. This is also worth revisiting in 2016.

IMPROVE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF. I set this goal because my self-esteem was stupidly low, and I knew that the only way I could improve my relationships with others was to improve my relationship with myself. Initially I had a goal to write down two things I liked about myself at the end of the day and put them into a jar. This lasted about three months before I lost interest in this project. Then I set out to say three uplifting affirmations to myself in the mirror every morning, but this, too, fell by the wayside (is anyone else seeing a pattern here?!).

New Year's Day 2015.

Even though I abandoned this last resolution, I think it’s the area in which I’ve grown most – and that happened when I focused on other things. I took a risk and started a new business which required me to back myself, and to stand out as a healer (which was an uncomfortable but rewarding experience). I made an effort to build friendships instead of hiding myself away due to fear of rejection. I did work on forgiving myself for choices I’ve made in the past and forgiving others that have hurt me, which helped me find peace. I made a conscious effort, towards the end of the year, to embrace my individuality instead of constantly comparing myself to others and feeling like a failure because I do not have the things that they have (or appear to have – and I still have more work to do in this area). All of these things have helped bring me to a point of friendship with myself. That is my lasting legacy of 2015. And as I think about my goals for 2016, I’m more aware that whether I succeed or fail at them won’t much matter. Yes it’s important to extend myself and deepen my connection with my soul, my people and my work, but the growth is what happens in the spaces between.