The great pretender: imposter syndrome, and the fear of being found out

I used to have a friend who held a prestigious, high-powered job in magazines. She was great at it, too – but she didn’t think so. She once confided to me that she lived in terror that someday someone would tap her on the shoulder and ask her to leave, telling her they’d figured out she wasn’t up to the job after all.

This is what imposter syndrome looks like. At heart, it’s the belief that you’re not good enough, and it typically involves a deep fear that your inadequacy will be uncovered, probably in dramatic fashion. It’s typically experienced by more women than men, because we are, according to experts, more likely to recognise our faults (I’ll just park that statement without further comment).

Imposter syndrome has got naught to do with your actual performance or skills, it’s solely about an internal conflict, a deep suspicion that you’ve somehow hoodwinked everyone into letting you have this job or partnership, and they’re going to find out the truth about you very soon and your entire life will implode.

Whenever we’re dealing with a fear – particularly one like this, which has no logical foundation – the first most helpful thing we can do is remind ourselves we’re not alone. Fear is a projection of the ego, not the soul, and the ego is all about separating us from others. And you’re not alone, truly. More than 70 per cent of people have experienced feelings of fraudulence. That’s *feelings* of fraudulence, not actual fraudulence.

Imposter syndrome thrives on blissful ignorance of the facts. It ignores that your employer put you in this position because they think you’re good enough. It ignores that you’ve already turned in work of a high, or at least passable, standard. Reality check: even if you don’t feel like you know what you’re doing (which is probably not true), you know enough to be in the position you’re in, and there’s no reason you can’t learn more from that platform. You are already good, but it’s your willingness to keep going in the face of fear and all its stupid stories that makes you great.

The truth is, no one knows what the hell they’re doing, most of the time. Fake it ‘till you make it is an entirely reasonable work philosophy. In this life, we’re all making it up as we go along – anyone who is a parent can vouch for this. Expecting ourselves to be ace at everything is just another way we covertly bully ourselves. So, so unhelpful.

If a fear that your staff don’t rate you as a manager is a source of anxiety for you, try to remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. I know, I know… you *want* them to feel confident in your abilities so they do their best work, but ultimately that’s up to them, not you. The only thing within your control is, not the way others feel about you, but the way you feel about yourself. And if imposter syndrome is an issue for you, perhaps you need to do some work on bolstering that (don’t we all!).

Although I haven’t experienced imposter syndrome myself, I’m very familiar with the feeling of inadequacy. My feelings of unworthiness in any given situation generally stem from my tendency to compare myself to others, and as a result, finding myself lacking. Like this: ‘She’s so outgoing and funny and popular, and I’m so dull and awkward.’ In all honesty I don’t know whether there will ever be a point at which I will ever totally recognise my own worth – I doubt we as humans can ever fully understand our own power in this lifetime – so instead of focusing on what it is I perceive that I’m lacking, I try to look at what I do have. Not in a ‘well she may be pretty but I’m this and that…’ type of way, more just a general counting of my blessings without using anyone else as a reference point. This strategy has been working really well for me. In spiritual truth, none of us really lacks anything – we are all complete. Different, but wholly everything that we need to be.

What I’ve found helpful when it comes to getting on top of my comparison tendency has been turning it on its head by comparing myself with… myself. Looking back at the person I was six months, a year or two years ago, and taking a moment to appreciate how my emotional responses and behaviours have changed and matured gives me a sense of value. I don’t need to be the best, I just need to be better than I was. And I am, every day. And I know that you are too. (Better than yourself, I mean. Not better than me, obvs. Although you could be. Hey, let’s not compete, OK?)

Transformation is hard. But staying miserable is harder

I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of transformation. When I was a kid my favourite TV show was Jem and the Holograms. I loved that mousy Jerrica Benton had the ability to transform into a glamorous and adored popstar just by touching her star-shaped earrings. You can see how the idea of escaping a mediocre life and becoming extraordinary held such appeal to a young girl who was painfully shy and socially awkward. Come to think of it, the Jem narrative is probably the little girl’s equivalent of Clark Kent transforming into Superman. But with fun music and no burden of civic responsibility. And a lot of pink, which is still my favourite colour.

At some point in my childhood, I realised that most people are programmed to follow the same template for who you become. Something like this: get a job in an office, climb up the ranks, marry, have two kids, get two cats that ignore you (I swear I’ll never understand why people bother with cats!), move to a retirement home, forget everything, then die. The idea that you could choose your own direction and change it at any point was foreign to me. I did not yet understand how much power we have to shape the course of our lives, and how restrictive the supposedly safe path we are taught to follow really is.

Last week I went to a Conscious Club event where the Bondi Hipsters (a well-known Sydney comedy duo) did a presentation about their transition from working in well-paid jobs to becoming full-time entertainers (at great financial cost). For one of the brothers, Christiaan, the transformation was fairly dramatic. After returning from a trip through South America, he was at a client lunch when he suddenly started coughing up “buckets of blood”. He was diagnosed with tuberculosis and put into quarantine in hospital for 12 months. Yep, that’s a whole year in hospital with no one to talk to and no freedom to leave – a pretty depressing scenario. While in confinement, motivated by sheer boredom, he started making rap songs poking fun at his situation, and posting them on YouTube. The Fully Sick Rapper clips went viral. 
Christiaan is open about the fact that there were some pretty dark periods while he was in quarantine, but he says at no point in his lowest moments did he wish he had spent more time in the office or at work meetings. At the most challenging time in his life he had woken up to the fact that his career and substantial pay packet – the two things we’re all taught to chase, covet and hold dear – meant nothing. What mattered was how he had spent his 27 years on the planet so far – and that picture just wasn’t satisfying enough. When he was released from hospital he realised he could not go back to his corporate life – he had to keep living a life of creative expression. I’m paraphrasing here, but what he was saying to us was that he could no longer ignore the voice that had been begging him to live fully on his own path instead of dying partially on the conventional path.

If there is something your soul is longing to do, why aren’t you doing that? Maybe you yearn to write a book. Maybe you dream of fostering kids. Maybe you want to be an alpaca farmer (that would be so great – alpacas are really cute!).

Maybe the idea of transformation scares you. I get that. When you go in a direction that doesn’t fit the template, you have no certainty. But here’s the thing: there are no guarantees on the ‘safe’ path either. You could lose your job. Your spouse could die. Your kid could end up a drug addict. You could get tuberculosis. Your life could be thrown into turmoil at any moment. In such a volatile world, isn’t it better to choose a path that makes you happy?

If there is a voice in you telling you that something needs to change, maybe it’s time to listen to it. Transformation is not easy. It creates a rupture in the fabric of your life, and it can cause friction in your most intimate relationships. You might fail. You might end up poor. You might lose your reputation. But there’s one thing harder than transformation: not changing. Not changing leads to regret. And, just like a quarantine hospital ward, regret is a miserable place to live.

You don’t have to own a pair of pink star earrings to transform your life, you just have to listen to your heart. You already know what you need to do.

The story so far: how One Grounded Angel was born

One of the questions I get asked from time to time is: “When did you know you could communicate with angels?” I wish I had a dramatic story to share, but unfortunately I don’t. I haven’t had a near-death experience. There was no lightning-bolt moment where I suddenly knew I had the ability to tap into the angelic realm. Mine was a very slow spiritual awakening, and it took years before I trusted that what I was sensing was legit. And it’s only been very recently that I’ve developed the confidence to pass those messages on to others. Here’s how it played out…

By the way, this story is kinda long, so you might wanna put the kettle on and make yourself comfortable. Take off your pants if you want to. (Actually on second thoughts, please don’t do that. I feel weird about it.)

When I was 25 and working for a major national magazine in Sydney, the editor introduced an angel card column, where readers could send in questions which would be answered by Doreen Virtue, who at the time was regarded as an expert on angel communication. Although I was vaguely aware of the concept of angels before this, they seemed like mythical figures to me. But my curiosity was piqued and I sent in a question of my own, which Doreen answered with startling accuracy. 

(Above: Me at Newgrange tomb, Ireland 2007)

Two years later I was travelling overseas when I noticed a deck of Doreen’s angel cards in the window of a Dublin bookstore. On a whim, I forked out about 15 euros and took the cards home to Auckland with me. I started drawing a card whenever I encountered a problem and even though they didn’t always help me resolve things (in hindsight, because I wasn’t listening properly) they were always reassuring.

In late 2013, living back in Auckland, I was going through a low period in my life, feeling stuck, when I saw a Facebook post from Doreen saying she would be leading an Angel Intuitive workshop on the Sunshine Coast in Australia. I was looking for something to bring me hope, and I needed to get out of town. I booked flights and told my friends I was on a “meditation retreat” as I didn’t want them to think I was a weirdo. (I’m pretty sure they’re well aware, haha.)

Doreen’s workshop was awesome and it really taught me how to identify and trust the messages of my intuition. I met lots of normal people who communicate with angels. Yes there was a significant portion of the stereotypical New Age types, but connecting with people who dressed and spoke just like me made me realise talking to angels was for everyone, not something reserved for a certain type of person.

It was during this workshop that someone gave me a reading telling me I needed to move back to Sydney. I was annoyed. I did not want to move back to a city I thought I was done with. But, as often happens in angel card readings, it hit a nerve. I realised I was miserable in Auckland. Plus, I’d known for some time I’d needed to move on, because I’d been getting the ‘move’ card in my own readings for the previous few weeks but hadn’t really wanted to face it.

(Above: Leaving Auckland)

I sat on the decision for several weeks. I knew the move was right for me but I was scared of starting over – particularly since I thought there was nothing ‘wrong’ with my life. (This was a lie I had been telling myself because I didn’t want to overhaul my life – more about that in this post.) It was an agonising decision. Wanting a neutral perspective I went to an angel card reader in Auckland, the wonderful Melissa Bult-Burns. Even though I draw daily cards for myself, I always book Melissa to do readings on the bigger-perspective stuff – it helps to hear the messages relayed by someone who can be objective. She confirmed that if I moved to Sydney my life would transform dramatically. Incidentally, I still have a picture of the cards she drew for me, and everything she pointed out has come to pass. 

After moving to Sydney in April 2014 I continued doing my own angel card readings, and my intuition was starting to nudge me towards the idea that working with the angels would be part of my life purpose. To that end, in November I flew down to Melbourne for another workshop, at which I became a Certified Angel Card Reader. Still I had no plans to read cards for people professionally. At this workshop a card reading indicated I had strong energy healing abilities and would do well to train in something like reiki. The card reader showed me, in a really simple way, how to run energy, and I was amazed by how much heat was coming through my hands. This was encouraging.

(Are you still with me? Kudos if you’ve managed to read this far. We’re almost there!)

At this workshop I also got messages from two separate people that I needed to be using my writing talents to help people. The angels were indicating that my struggle to find meaning in life would resonate with others, and that I needed to chronicle that in a written form. Sceptical but willing to take a chance, I came home and started this blog. I did not want to give the blog my own name because no one can spell it (lol). So I chose the name One Grounded Angel to separate myself from the other spiritual noise out there. I wanted to talk about spirituality in realistic terms, with a good dash of humour. My mission was to empower people – without judgment, preaching or rules – to connect with their hearts and souls in whatever way feels right for them. I’m not saying I’m nailing this every time but I’d like to think I’m at least on the right track. I also didn’t want to present myself as any type of authority, so I went with the prefix ‘One’ rather than ‘The Grounded Angel’.

I told no one about my blog at first – I was too worried about being judged. My online following happened organically, and I have no idea how people found me in those early days. As always, the angels were right – my themes seem to have resonated with some of you. It’s certainly helped me, in just about every area of my life.

As with all stories, the best is yet to come. It’s the same for you, by the way – none of us knows how our stories will play out. The most important thing is that if you want a bigger, more meaningful life, you have to start a new narrative. None of this was planned, but all of this is perfect.

Don’t focus on the ending – just start. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey  xx

Situation vacant: the job that makes you happy. Will you apply?

I’ve got a few friends in the process of changing careers and I’m really excited for them. There’s a powerful energy in the air right now, inspiring people to take steps in new directions. As I’ve discussed on this blog before, 2015 is facilitating life changes big and small.

Considering we spend more hours at work than in any other capacity, it’s crazy to even consider languishing in a profession that makes you unhappy. Yet a lot of people who book angel readings tell me they are feeling trapped in jobs that bring them neither challenge nor satisfaction. This is something I really struggle to relate to – thank God.

When I was at high school I had a friend who really wanted to become a teacher but her parents discouraged her from pursuing this profession because her earning capacity would be low. I’m so grateful that my parents imposed no such pressure on me – they gave me the freedom to choose a career that I knew was right for me, irrespective of financial factors; journalism was never going to make me a millionaire. Although I’m currently changing the scope of my work to include reiki and face-to-face angel card readings (stay tuned for updates soon!), I’ve really enjoyed my time in magazines and, until recently, I haven’t been bored. My creativity has always had room to flourish, which was a priority for me from the outset.

Last weekend I went away with a group of friends, and during one of our chats a mate told me that in 10 years of employment he’s never had a job that fulfils him. He’s taking steps to rectify that now (yay). I don’t have any advice for anyone in this situation – it’s your life, and only you can figure out how to make yourself happy – but I would like to pose this question to you: if you know what you want to do but you’re not doing it, what is holding you back? If it’s money, I’d gently suggest you re-evaluate your relationship with money. I’m sure that, like myself, you know plenty of people earning six-figure salaries who hate their jobs. Those people are spending copious amounts of that money trying to make themselves feel better – and that coping mechanism is not working. Truthbomb right here: work does not have to be an endurance test.

If it’s the time required to retrain in a new career that’s holding you back, consider this: time is going to pass anyway. You may as well spend that time getting to where to want to go. This is not just a job, it’s the vast majority of your waking hours, and you have a lot of say in how you spend them. You are not trapped. Even though there’s no such thing as a perfect job – every role has its drudgery and dramas, God knows – there is such a thing as a job that makes you feel content, fulfilled and, ideally, valued. Go after that. It’s worth the time and financial disruption. It’s worth the punt.

This is, after all, the only life you get.*

PS: You’ll notice my post is missing a familiar but tired cliché... you know the one: ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.’ I haven’t busted that out because I think it’s misleading. Even when you enjoy what you do, work is still work – no matter how fulfilling it is. If I had a choice between poolside cocktails and filling out my GST return, you can bet I’d choose the former.

*Not strictly true, from a spiritual perspective, as we all get multiple lifetimes… but let’s not muddy the waters….