Note: this is an updated version of an article originally published in December 2015.
A theme that often comes up in my healing work is the impact of our relationship with our parents on the way we love, live and parent our own kids. For some people, this is deeply uncomfortable terrain, because many of us are raised to respect our parents to the point where recognising their flaws can feel like a betrayal of sorts. It’s important to understand that healing is not about heaping blame on our parents and directing anger at them for the rest of your life, it’s simply about understanding the ways that the healing they didn’t do in their own lives has consequently been passed on to you. We can recognise the way our parents have let us down and love or like them anyway (or not, depending on the circumstances). You’re entitled to be angry at a parent if they failed you in some way, but eventually you’ll probably want to move past that anger into a space where you can hold two different truths in the same hand: the truth that the way you were treated should never have happened, and the truth that you can live in relative peace in spite of it.
Why does my childhood even matter? I’m a grown-up!
When Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland passed away in 2015, Rolling Stone magazine published an emotional open letter penned by the mother of his children. She wrote that her children had lost their father years before his death, describing how “a deep-rooted mix of love and disappointment made up their relationship” with him, and the mourning the children will one day go through when they realise they didn’t get the parent that they deserved. That’s a pretty extreme example of parental disappointment, but there are lots of less blatant ways parents can let down their kids (and adult kids).
In a spiritual sense, our relationship with our parents when we were growing up is integral in shaping how we feel about ourselves, and the type of relationships we attract – essentially our parents teach us whether we’re worthy of love or whether we need to ‘earn’ love; whether it’s safe to be ourselves or whether we have to be someone/something else to get our needs met; whether we can trust that we’ll always have enough of what we need or whether we live in scarcity.
Since our parents are not demigods but just everyday human beings with their own crap to process and overcome, they might not have been able to show up for us in the ways we needed them to. It can be helpful to remember, in the words of Louise Hay, that “everyone is doing the best they can with the information and knowledge that they have.” This does not, of course, excuse poor behaviour. But understanding the upbringing and emotional landscape of a parent who has let you down can help you get a healthy perspective. It can also help you make different choices about how you approach relationships with your own kids and partner, rather than feeling doomed to repeat the cycle.
OK, so how do we reckon with what happened?
An important first step is putting your finger on how your parents let you down. Even if your parents met all your needs on a material level – say, you had all the food you needed and were never short of toys or friends or experiences – that doesn’t mean your emotional needs were met. Sometimes clients will tell me that they were always told by their parents that they were loved, but their parents didn’t really show it – they worked all the time, maybe, or were unaffectionate and emotionally distant. That misalignment between words and actions communicates to a kid that their needs don’t matter, meaning they could grow up putting themselves last and struggling to reach for what they deserve (eg healthy relationships, high-level jobs).
Here are some other types of scenarios where parents might let their kids down ( I’m painting in very broad brushstrokes here):
· A parent who held the household to ransom with their moodiness. The kids (and partner) walked on eggshells waiting for this parent’s next explosion of anger, and their lives revolved around doing everything in their power to avoid said explosions (trying to be as invisible as possible, say, or trying to be perfect).
· A parent who walked out on the family. This is a big one. Even if the relationship between parent and kid is repaired later on, and even if you understand on a logical level while they left, having had a parent seemingly reject you in this way is the type of wounding that can lead to abandonment issues, people-pleasing and low self-worth. You don’t just get over something like that quickly.
· A parent who constantly criticised you, perhaps because they truly believed this would help you improve, without realising that it’s nurturing and compassion, not criticism, that leads to growth. Or perhaps they only gave you love and affection if you met their high standards. The message this behaviour sends you – even if it was well-intentioned – is that you’re not good enough. You may grow up constantly criticising yourself, practising perfectionism or settling for crap relationships because you believe deep down that that’s all you deserve.
· A parent who was narcissistic, leaving you believing that your needs don’t matter. You may grow up attracting relationships with narcissists where you continue being invisible and giving over all your power, money and decisions to the partner, ending up broken and used.
(Photo by Jordan Rowland on Unsplash)
This hurts. How can I ever make peace with it?
The next step is much harder – that’s the work of processing your emotions and making peace with the past. Obviously as an energy healer I would recommend energy healing, as it’s the only modality I’ve found that clears emotional wounding at a deep level so you aren’t bound by the past (find out more here). Therapy is another great tool for self-reflection. Journalling can also be helpful in processing your emotions, but might not be enough on its own.
Keep in mind this is a long process that you will probably go in and out of. Maybe you’ll never be wholly fine, but if you are working on yourself you will almost certainly be more fine than you are now.
The type of relationship you have with your parent after that is up to you. Some are able to compartmentalise what happened and maintain a distant but socially acceptable relationship with their parents (geographical distance and strong boundaries help). If that’s your path, make sure you’ve got some healthy coping mechanisms for the times you do interact with them. I don’t advocate forgiveness personally (more about that here), and I’m not an expert, but being able to have compassion for your parents and still not tolerate their bullshit seems like a pretty healthy goal to me. This quote from the 13th-century Sufi poet Rumi may be helpful: “Out beyond ideas about right and wrong there is a field. I will meet you there.”
Other people cut off ties with their parent because the relationship is simply too toxic. Again, make sure you’ve got lots of support if you go down this path.
However you move forward, my advice would be not to attempt to get an apology from your parent, unless you have a very very very good reason to believe you’ll get it. People who haven’t done any personal development work or healing are rarely emotionally mature enough to hear their child calling out bad behaviour, without becoming defensive or aggressive. And that never helps.
Above all, remember this: What happened to you is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility. Healing will make you a better partner, parent and friend to yourself – and you deserve all of that.