Technology might make it easier for us to forge new
connections as well as maintain relationships with those who are far away, but
it’s also eroding relationships with those who are close to us. In his book Focus,
leading US psychologist Daniel Goleman (whose work is fascinating, BTW) has
written about how technology is killing our attention spans. We are so used to
the barrage of information presented to us that we lose interest when forced to
focus on just one thing, or one person. What that means for relationships is
this: “Being able to focus on the other person rather than the text you just
received has become the new fundamental requirement for having a relationship
with that person,” Daniel says.
The reason I bring this up is not to lament our
increasingly scattered and superficial social interactions – although that is
concerning – but to reflect on a really important facet of relationships that I
feel I am in danger of forgetting how to do: listening.
It does feel, at least to me, that it’s harder than ever to be fully engaged in a conversation with someone else, and the influence of so much competing stimuli is surely part of the problem. (Although to be fair, I’ve always had a short attention span.) To be fully engaged in a conversation means listening – really listening – to the other person, which is as important in our interactions people we know as it is with those we don’t.
It does feel, at least to me, that it’s harder than ever to be fully engaged in a conversation with someone else, and the influence of so much competing stimuli is surely part of the problem. (Although to be fair, I’ve always had a short attention span.) To be fully engaged in a conversation means listening – really listening – to the other person, which is as important in our interactions people we know as it is with those we don’t.
A few weeks ago I was on a bus trip home, writing
in my notebook, when an old man sitting next to me suddenly asked me what I was
focusing on so intently. This started a conversation that lasted the entire
journey home and covered: handwriting styles, the best and worst places in the
world we’d each visited and the history of the
suburbs we were travelling through. I realised how bewildering it must be to
someone of his generation to see everyone staring at their phones or listening
to music – anything but engaging with the people and places around them. Everyone
is trying to be somewhere other than where they are. As I got off the bus he
thanked me for listening and said how much he’d enjoyed our chat (I had too).
This was an important reminder that giving someone
our complete attention, and really taking in what they’re saying, is such a
beautiful and underrated thing to do. Dave Isay, winner of the 2015 TED Prize,
describes listening as an act of generosity and love. StoryCorps is a project
Dave founded where two people who know each other sit in a mobile recording
booth with a facilitator for 40 minutes of conversation. Essentially, they
interview each other – many treating this as a ‘what I would say if this was
our last conversation together’ scenario – and what comes out of that is a new understanding about the other person and a deeper connection to them. A recording of their
conversation is available for a fee to cover costs. Dave is now developing an
app to allow people to have these meaningful conversations at home.
“So much of how we communicate is fleeting and
inconsequential,” says Dave in his TED talk. “I’ve learned about the poetry and
wisdom and grace that can be found in the words of people all around us when we
simply take the time to listen.”
What I’ve been reminded of lately how powerful the simple act
of listening is. All anyone wants is to be heard. To be understood, yes, but
most importantly to be heard. Our ears are as important in meaningful
interactions as our hearts are. By listening to someone – whether it’s a random
man on the bus or your significant other – you are bringing integrity to that
exchange, affirming that that person matters and validating their human
experience. That is the best gift you could give anyone. I hope, that in an age
with so much competing for our attention, I never forget how to do that.