Don't be a martyr – say NO to other people and say YES to yourself

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

I saw this quote on Instagram the other day and I actually cheered. I’ve been wanting to write a post about the power of saying NO for some time, and this quote sums up my thoughts perfectly. 

You know how safety announcements on planes tell you to attach your own oxygen mask before helping others with their masks? That’s because you can’t help other people if you have not been looking after yourself. In simpler, less alarming terms: you can’t give energy if your own tank is empty. 

A lot of people who seek reiki treatment have emotional imbalances because they’ve created energy blocks in their bodies through having a lack of boundaries in their lives.

So many of us – especially women, because we’re often socially conditioned to be people-pleasers – struggle to say the word NO to things that we don’t want to do because we think people won’t like us. We don’t like letting people down – so we say yes to every social event or request... and in doing so, we let ourselves down, because we end up stressed and on the path to burnout. We fear what other people will think of us if we say NO so we say yes, then we end up resentful about having no time to ourselves, and feel like we’re being taken advantage of. We also feel stupidly, irrationally guilty about saying NO. 

Just to clear this up: no is not a bad word. It is a very powerful tool for protecting and enriching your energy levels and emotional health. If you consistently say yes when you want to say no, others will expect you to drop everything to help them whenever they need to move house, organise their parents’ anniversary party or remove an ingrown hair – because they’re responding to your past behaviour. You can’t expect people to honour boundaries that you have failed to set. 

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help out your mates and spend time with your relatives and in-laws – but not at the expense of your own health and wellbeing. If you feel like someone might be taking the piss and you’re feeling resentful about it, they probably are. Set very clear parameters, eg: “Yes I’ll come to your sister-in-law’s baby shower with you but I’ll only stay an hour” or “I won’t be able to give you a lift to yoga on Saturday morning because I really need a sleep-in but I’ll meet you for a quick coffee next weekend” or “I’ll look after your kids for two hours if you’ll pick mine up from school when I have a doctor’s appointment”.

You do not have to be a martyr in order to have close friendships or loving relationships. In fact, people will respect you more if you do set boundaries. If they don’t... maybe you need to ask yourself how much of a presence you want them to have in your life. 

The most important thing you need to know when it comes to boundaries is that saying yes to everyone does not make you popular or loved – it makes you a doormat. Set boundaries... before you set yourself on fire. 

PS I’ve just posted the quote at the top of this page on my Instagram – if it takes your fancy, visit my feed at @onegroundedangel and regram it. 

Are you on someone's Meltdown Watch List?

“She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle.”

This quote pops up on my Pinterest feed from time to time (often attributed to Hamlet – um really?) and it always reminds me of the private struggles of so many people, particularly women, in maintaining the façade of I’m-beyond-busy but-it’s-totally-fine-I-can-handle-it while internally they are falling apart. What I’m talking about is the unwinnable battle to meet our own, and others’, expectations of what a full and successful life looks like, and the toll that takes on our physical, mental and emotional health.

The refusal to ask for help because everyone else seems to be coping (top tip: they are not), and that would appear weak. And how we worsen that struggle by keeping it private.

This is particularly relevant at the moment because so many of my daily angel card readings have been urging us all to slow down, say ‘no’ more often and to make finding peace a priority.*

A friend of mine recently joked about adding a mutual friend’s name to their Meltdown Watch List. This is kinda funny, but also kinda not. Because it’s true.

I know people with so many balls in the air they can no longer see the clouds. They have children, ailing parents, relentless business demands, high-maintenance landlords, gruelling deadlines, overgrown lawns, intense exercise routines, friends they never see and relationships under strain. I know you know people like this too. Perhaps you ARE that person.

I have a friend who works 60+ hours a week. She went to see her doctor because she couldn’t figure out why she was in tears almost every day. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants to allow her to continue with her relentless schedule (instead of listening to the messages her body is sending her, urging her to stop). It’s clear to me she’s not depressed – she’s exhausted.

I find the thought process that drives this lifestyle really interesting – the ways we delude ourselves that prolonged exhaustion is normal and that we can continue to live at break-neck speed. Memo from your body: you cannot.

Recently I interviewed holistic nutritionist

Dr Libby Weaver

for a

Women’s Health

magazine story about exhaustion. She talked about how women are paying a high price for trying to do everything at once, and refusing to stop. The result is everything from weight gain to digestive issues, fertility problems and prolonged moodiness.

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Guys, life is busy. I can’t change that, and neither can you. Also, I don’t have kids, so I feel like I can’t fully understand the scale of difficulty involved in finding stillness when you have a family. I don’t know how you can make your life more manageable but I do know that if you have good reason to believe you are on someone’s Meltdown Watch List, you have to ask yourself some serious questions about the way you’re living. You can have everything you want – your mum was right about that – but not all at once.

If you are drowning, you must call for a lifeguard. Your lifeguards are your partner, your siblings, your closest confidantes and your most trusted work colleagues – these people are your support team. If they know that you are struggling, they can help you find solutions to move forward.

This team does not, however, include people who are draining your mental or physical energy with their demands. When it comes to dealing with those people, learn to say no. Saying no is a difficult thing for many women because we worry that it means people won’t like us. But here’s the truth: if relationships with these people are worth their mettle, they will be robust enough to cope with you cancelling coffee dates or refusing to babysit their raucous children every week/help plan their wedding/drive for two hours to groom their pony. Say no (especially to the pony thing; that’s ridiculous) without fear of fallout. You are the only one in charge of your physical and emotional health; protect these priceless resources by deciding what is most important in your life. Prioritise those things, then relax your standards on what is not.

You can stop drowning right now.

*If you’re not across my daily card readings, follow me on Instagram

@onegroundedangel

or like my

One Grounded Angel

page on Facebook.