I’m a big fan of Maya Angelou’s work, and when it comes to the ongoing journey of personal development, this quote from her is on point. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Sometimes, however, that motto doesn’t quite pan out so well. Many people, for example, already know that drinking plenty of vegetables can improve their physical health, yet they struggle to adjust their day-to-day behaviour to incorporate this action. Same deal with bigger life stuff, too… which is what this post is all about.
In my work as an energy healer I have worked with many people who have realised, as an example, that their job is no longer right for them but are struggling to commit to the path they really want to take. And people who long to meet their soulmates but keep hooking up with an emotionally unavailable person who doesn’t meet their needs, effectively keeping that soulmate connection at bay (more about that here).
So, what gives? Why do we make choices that go against what we know and want for ourselves? Here are a few patterns that have emerged in my work:
(Photo by Green Chameleon on Unsplash)
1. Aiming for goals that don’t serve us
Sometimes we can fall into the trap of aiming for things that other people around us are shooting for, without stopping to think about whether they’re what we want – think: promotions at work that look impressive but result in enormous stress, or a big house in the suburbs that looks impressive on Instagram but doesn’t suit our lifestyle. The point is, we can often find ourselves following a societal or familial template without really examining whether that’s right for us. If, deep down, you don’t really want that thing you’re telling people you’re working towards, it’s likely that your actions will not follow that goal.
Some self-reflection would be really helpful in helping you align with what you truly want. I recommend setting aside time, away from distractions, and picking up a journal or notebook. Ask yourself questions like: ‘What would I do if money were no issue?’ and, ‘What would I spend my time doing if no one could judge me?’ The ideas you come up with may be fanciful, but there could be the germ of something you can work with. For example, if your dream is to arrange flowers all day but becoming a full-time florist isn’t realistic for you, could you maybe get a better garden of your own or volunteer as a gardener for an older person who needs extra help in their garden? These are just ideas, of course, but the aim is to expand an idea so it’s workable. That doesn’t mean playing small, it just means finding a starting point. Be aware it can take a long time to get clarity on what is right for you – particularly if you’re someone who has spent their whole life focusing on making other people happy. (If that’s you, I’d recommend you work with a healer to help you.)
2. Not being ready for the desired outcome
This might sound counterintuitive, but we can both want something and resist it at the same time. Sometimes people refer to this as ‘self-sabotage’, but I’m wary about using that term as it implies deliberate destruction, which generally isn’t the case.
(Photo by kevin turcios on Unsplash)
A good example would be someone who wants to set up a side-hustle – let’s say they’re an accountant who has always wanted to design jewellery – and they take initial steps but don’t go any further. They might start drawing designs but those sketches never get finished. They might enquire about the costs of a market stall but never make a booking. Maybe their pattern of procrastination is so deep they even apply for a more demanding full-time accounting job, limiting the amount of time they have available to work on their business. In a situation like this, it might be fear of failure or fear of judgment playing out, preventing them from getting truly ready for the outcome they want. Low self-worth is also a factor in many cases – it’s difficult to commit to something you don’t think you deserve. Again, this is best worked through with a therapist or energy healer.
3. Energetic wounding
What I often see in my work is a disconnection between what’s going on in the brain and what’s siting in the energy field (in other words, our subconscious). The energy field stores traumas, wounding and limiting beliefs based on what we’ve experienced in the past – in this lifetime and previous ones. And often, those are very different to what we believe on a conscious level.
Let me give you an example to explain it better: a woman in a romantic relationship with a man might know that most men are not cheaters, but deep in her subconscious there may be a fear that she’ll be cheated on – despite the fact that she feels confident on a logical level that her partner is definitely not cheating on her. That misalignment means there’s a need for energy healing to go after that subconscious belief – no amount of affirmations, positive self-talk or thoughts will address this, as the issue isn’t sitting on a conscious level. It’s difficult to make a resolution at a brain level that your energy is actively resisting for some reason.
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