Why am I so scared of relationships? This was a question I found myself asking again and again through my 20s and early 30s. I wanted, with every fibre of my being, to be loved but I ran away from the mere hint of a relationship like it was a COVID hotspot. To cope, I turned myself into a punchline. I am basically Chandler from Friends (so funny!). I will die alone surrounded by cockroaches and empty chip packets (hilarious!). Look at how the C word – that’s ‘commitment’, by the way – makes me break out in a cold sweat (all the LOLs!). Except it wasn’t funny and I was miserable. I threw myself at men who didn’t want a relationship with me, which torpedoed me into the pain of rejection but, simultaneously, left me relieved. Any guy who expressed interest in me was rejected on the flimsiest of grounds. I had flings but my shoes were always at the door, ready to bolt. I reposted angry feminist memes about the stupidity of men while secretly sobbing over Pride and Prejudice. I was distraught when friends got engaged; it seemed like a betrayal of sorts. I blamed the Universe for making me – warning: ugly cliché ahead – ‘unlucky in love’, but didn’t realise I was my own jailer.
There wasn’t a logical reason for my commitment phobia. I’d never been cheated on. My parents had not divorced in traumatic circumstances. I was under no pressure to settle down. Here’s the thing I didn’t understand then: fear doesn’t operate on a rational level – which is why someone afraid of flying is not remotely calmed by the fact that they’re more likely to die in a car crash than a plane incident. Fear is insidious, lurking in our subconscious and defying logic. If we want to reckon with it, we have to sift through some painful blocks in our energy.
It was only when I went super sleuth on my own bullshit – make no mistake, this was a deeply uncomfortable process – that I realised I wasn’t afraid of a committed relationship at all. I was afraid of all the things I had yoked to relationships. I was afraid of all the things I knew logically weren’t legit but which, at a deep level, felt true and terrifying. And then I had to unpack those things, which mostly sucked but had a good outcome. I mean, I’m engaged now and although that’s brought up some old stuff – as any major life change is wont to do – I haven’t had any major freak-outs.
Here is some of the monstrous load of crap that can contribute to fear of a long-term relationship. Some of it is my own stuff, some of it is gleaned from people I’ve met in my work as an energy healer.
1. Fear of losing independence
This, right here, was the clincher for me. Many of the relationships role-modelled to me throughout my life had a chronic imbalance of power. One person was in control and the other was subservient. One person made the decisions and the other lost their identity and all agency. I was told relationships were all about ‘compromise’ – but this was demonstrated as repeated sacrifice by only one person. To me, this smelled like a trap. Hard pass.
(Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash)
If you’d asked me I would not have been able to identify that a fear of losing power and independence was playing out for me, but on my healing journey I realised that, on a deep subconscious level, this was absolutely what a long-term relationship felt like to me. I had to do a lot of energy healing to pull this idea out, dust it off and throw it into the bin. It’s very difficult to attract something that you fear deep down will cost you dearly. Little wonder I was energetically repelling relationships.
2. Fear of choosing the ‘wrong’ person
How could I, someone who couldn’t even settle on a preferred hairstyle, be trusted with the task of choosing a life-long partner? After all, I was hardly known for good character (or hair) choices. And then there were stories I kept hearing about people whose partners morphed during the relationship, becoming entirely different (usually toxic) people. What if I made a bad choice? The whole proposition seemed entirely too risky.
Fear told me I needed a guarantee *before* committing, but eventually I had to accept that that’s not how the world works. There are no guarantees in my relationship, there is only a shared desire to walk this path together and see where it goes. I can only do that because I feel safe and secure with my fiancé. There is no certainty, only trust – and that is enough. That is more than enough, actually.
3. Fear of being yourself
( Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash)
If you grew up in a household where you had to ‘perform’ in order to receive love or attention – say, you had to get high grades, or be a ‘good girl’ – the belief that you have to impress someone to win their favour has likely been impressed upon you at a deep level. The idea of being authentic – which is what a strong, ever-evolving romantic connection requires – may be super uncomfortable. Sharing your true feelings, or asking for what you want and need, might feel like your kryptonite.
For many people, authenticity is so uncomfortable that they unconsciously seek out relationships where there is no risk of having to be ‘exposed’ in any way. For example, they might choose superficial relationships, or they might attract a narcissist where the relationship is all about the other person, allowing them to hide.
Unfortunately, in a healthy intimate relationship, there is nowhere to hide. You can’t pretend to be something you’re not, and you can’t bury your true feelings forever. If you are comfortable with who you are, and don’t harbour deep fears around abandonment, maybe this won’t be a problem for you. If you’re not… well, authentic relationships may just be terrifying.
4. Fear of failure
Bad, bad news for anyone who was raised on a diet of fairytales and romcoms. In spiritual terms, longevity is not a key marker of a successful relationship. Instead, a successful relationship is one where two people come together to teach each other lessons. Sometimes those lessons finish pretty quickly and the relationship comes to a natural conclusion in a few months or years. Society calls that a failure, but in spirituality we call that a karmic connection.
Trouble is, some people are so fixated on the idea of a long-lasting marriage, they will hold on, tooth and nail, to a dysfunctional relationship. Other people are so terrified of break-ups that they forgo relationships entirely (not that there’s anything wrong with that… unless you secretly want a soul connection).
I wish we could all break up with the idea that a successful relationship is one that has to last the rest of your life. That’s waaaay too much pressure. If a relationship endures until you both die of old age, that’s wonderful. But if it doesn’t, that’s absolutely fine. Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a failure, but avoiding relationships entirely – as I did, for so long – to avoid failure could well make you miserable.
If you’d like to work with me to heal any of the issues in this article, you can book energy healing sessions here. More information about how I work is available here.