If there’s one misunderstanding I hear repeated again and again among spiritual people, it’s the belief that empaths are somehow destined to attract narcissists or toxic relationships. This frustrates me for two reasons. One, being an empath often gets a bad rap, instead of being celebrated, as I believe it should. And two, this belief is simply not true. So why do people tend to conflate empathy with toxic relationships? I suspect this stems from the common misconception that being an empath makes you “too nice” , meaning you can’t help but fall prey to narcissists (ugh). Well, I’m here to say that while there’s no such thing as being too nice, there is such a thing as having no boundaries. In my experience as an energy healer, what’s playing out in the energy of people (empaths or not) who tend to attract narcissists is actually codependency in disguise. So how can you tell the difference?
(Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash)
Firstly, some definitions. An empath is someone who feels other people’s emotions and energy easily (which is why shielding is so important, FYI). They can become upset easily about things that other people tend to brush off, and find provoking stimulus such as news, crime podcasts or ‘thriller’ movies deeply distressing. It isn’t the same as just having empathy for others, which (hopefully) most of us have, it’s a deeper level of sensitivity.
Codependency, by contrast, means you feel like other people’s problems are your responsibility to fix, and if they’re upset, you’re probably to blame. You cling to other people for a sense of identity – perhaps disappearing into their social circles, hobbies and lifestyles – and constantly abandon your own hobbies and priorities in favour of what suits them. You might be possessive or jealous of your loved ones’ relationships with other people, and might depend on the people you care about to make you feel better.
And yes, you can be both. Also, codependency can be contextual – for example, I used to have a close friendship where I was very codependent, but this has never been a theme for me romantically.
What’s the difference?
Here are some ways to tell the difference between the two – that will tell you where there’s healing to be done (read more here):
1. An empath feels what other people are feeling but is more willing to allow them to go through whatever they’re experiencing than a codependent person. Empaths obviously don’t like seeing people in pain – this can be really uncomfortable – but they’re better equipped to operate from a deep understanding that everyone is on their own path and needs to be able to figure things out for themselves. A codependent person, by contrast, will feel compelled to intervene and fix the person. They believe it is their responsibility to carry other people’s pain. It almost feels like they can’t feel at peace unless the people they love are at peace first.
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2. An empath needs to set boundaries in order to protect their energy – otherwise, they’ll end up completely drained and depleted of physical energy and motivation. An empath may find this difficult, but a codependent person will find it near impossible. That’s because they feel that boundaries will upset other people, which means they have failed as a human – and it may even mean they are unlovable. That’s the level to which they have attached their identity to other people.
3. An empath tends (with practise) to retreat inwards when they’re upset, staying away from drama llamas and toxic people. A codependent person will rush right in to these situations to rescue the people involved, thereby distracting themselves from what’s going on in their own life. Rescuing other people seems like such a noble thing to do, but often codependent people are driven not by love for the other people (although that’s certainly in the mix) but primarily by fear, anxiety or worry. Fear of rejection, for example, often underpins their actions.
(Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash)
4. An empath tends to see their value as coming from within, while a codependent person looks to others to affirm their worth. They might ‘perform’ for compliments or run around trying to make other people happy so they can feel like they’re good enough. In practice, this could look like an empath being busy working on their own projects and personal development, while a codependent person will tend to operate from the belief that if they can heal other people’s issues, they will be healed as a result. They sacrifice their physical health and mental wellbeing to focus on other people’s needs and often their bodies have to force a health crisis onto them – flu, migraines, adrenal fatigue, for example – in order to get them to rest and take care of themselves.
What should I do?
Being an empath can be challenging on a day-to-day basis, and definitely requires self-care and good choices, but it isn’t regarded as problematic per se. However being codependent is something that can adversely affect your life in numerous ways – particularly your relationships. Knowing codependency is driving your behaviours is important, but knowledge alone isn’t enough to shift the beliefs in your energy fuelling these traits. In my experience, the only way to bring about lasting shifts is through energy healing, a powerful process that removes energetic blocks and traumas in the subconscious that give rise to limiting beliefs (and, in turn, limiting behaviours). If you’d like to talk to me about how energy healing can help you work through codependency and embrace healthier self-care as an empath, you can reach me here or learn more about my work here.