I’ve spent most of my
life running from confrontation, so I can understand how yesterday’s angel card
– which urged us to stand up for what we believe – might have been a little
difficult for some of you to digest. The reason many of us struggle with assertiveness
is because we don’t want to cause friction or upset other people. We’d rather
suffer than put ourselves in a situation where we might spark a conflict. This
is doing ourselves an enormous disservice, and robbing the other person of a cue
to reflect on their actions. And that’s a shame because we are all here to help
each other lead better lives – but, ideally, without judgement and without
infringing on others’ right to choose their own direction.
It’s important to
know that you’re not being mean to someone if you say something that is contrary
to their opinion or behaviour. If they are doing something you consider unfair,
immoral or which causes pain and difficulty to another person (including
yourself), you’ll feel a pull to speak up from within. What’s important is
that your intentions are good – ie you speak from the heart – and that you
frame it in a way that isn’t a personal attack. If someone cuts in front of you
in a queue, for example, you’re not being a troublemaker if you point out that
they’ve cut in, and that you were there first. Regardless of the outcome, at
least you said something – sometimes
people will take the piss because they’re willing to wager that no one will
call them out on it. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. If
you call someone a nasty name and shout at them for their rudeness, that’s
probably not going to go well.
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| Speak your truth - with love |
I’m not saying there aren’t
sometimes consequences to speaking out – and of course you should take that
into consideration – but if your intuition is telling you to speak up, you’re
urged to honour that.
The history books are
bursting with examples of people who’ve spoken up despite the risk of adverse
effects – whistleblowers, civil rights campaigners, agents for change. But it’s
not only big social issues that call us to speak our truth, it’s everyday
interactions.
About eight years
ago, my best friend at the time, who was living overseas, made the very
difficult decision to break up with her boyfriend and move back home. Because
it was going to be so challenging living with him while she went through the
process of packing up, leaving work and severing ties with the city, she
decided not to tell him she was leaving until just before her departure date,
about three months down the track. I can certainly understand her desire to
delay that inevitable crushing moment, but I felt that in not telling him their
relationship was already over she was deceiving him. I felt – and this is only
my opinion, of course – that she was being unfair. In buying “peace” for
herself she was maximising the pain for him later on, when he realised he’d
been kept in the dark and misled as to their future together. I told her all of
that... and I think you can guess how well it went.
She went ballistic at
me and told me that as her friend, my job was to support her. I believed then – and
I still believe – my role as her friend is to challenge her on significant choices that
reflect poorly on her. Of
course I was far too upset to explain that at the time. Instead of reflecting again on
whether her decision was right – which she probably, deep down, knew would
bring her face to face with something she did not want to face – she chose
to focus on being outraged at me. A personal attack ensued, and we did not
speak for about three months, which made us both miserable and put a lot of
strain on our mutual friends. I should point out that this is only my side of
the story, and I’m sure she has her own perspective on the incident. I should
also point out that the way I expressed my thoughts was embarrassingly
sanctimonious and laden with judgement, so I can hardly blame her for firing up.
(Cringe.)
Do I regret my
decision to speak up? No, although I’m not proud of the way I expressed myself.
For me, it was important. One of my core values is treating other people
fairly. It’s not up to me to tell other people how to behave but in a situation
where I feel a deep unjustice is being done, I would like to think I will
always use my words (carefully) to bring another perspective to light so others
will pause and question their actions. What they do after that is up to them – and
if they’re a friend of mine, my job then is to accept that and look for ways to
support them.
If you feel deeply
uncomfortable about someone’s actions and they ask you for your opinion – or
worse, ask you to be party to it – what will you do? Doing the right thing is
an incredibly complicated – and often, risky – act but it’s one that your
angels ask you to honour as much as you can.
It’s certainly something
to think about.