I thought long and hard about whether to publish this post. It’s more personal than I am comfortable sharing. The reason I did decide to upload it was because the point of this blog from the outset was to share my story of personal growth honestly. I believe that Fear is something we ALL struggle with, in different forms. We are different, but we are all the same.
What’s the name of that headache you get after intense
crying? Is there even a name for that? There should be.
On Saturday I looked at a photo of me with my family
dog and with no warning I burst into tears and could not stop. This photo is
very precious to me. It was taken last March, three weeks before I left New
Zealand and it shows me cuddling the dog for what I suspected might have been
the last time (luckily he is in very good health and I was able to see him
again at Christmas). He is generally affectionate but usually gravitates
towards my parents for cuddles, so for him to lavish so much love on me on this
occasion was wonderful, and I lapped it up. Cue #dogselfie.
This photo is attached to my wall so I see it every
day, but the reason it aroused such intense emotion last weekend was because I
looked at the joy in my eyes and I suddenly remembered what unconditional love
felt like. And that brought me face to face with my deepest, most powerful Fear* (thank you very fucking much, Autumn equinox): that I will never be deeply loved.
And just for good measure, it brought along its ugly twin: the Fear that I am
not worthy of love.
Yes, I know both these thoughts are bullshit. That’s the thing about Fears – they have no basis in reality. But it’s only
when we are prepared to stand up to them (instead of running away) that we can
truly see that.
Why is this ugly stuff coming up now? From an
astrological perspective the Autumn equinox – which took place on Saturday, the
day of this teary incident – brings us face to face with the darkness of our
Fears, thereby spotlighting the areas we most need to work on in order to move
forward and evolve.
These core Fears are something I have probably always
had, without being aware of them, and have tried to bury, unsuccessfully, with
several methods over my lifetime that range from binge eating to keeping people
at arm’s length.
Now that I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin
(old age will do that to ya), and am no longer scrambling around for an
emotional Band-Aid, these Fears are back with a vengeance. Which feels really
crappy and hurty but is actually a good thing, because that gives me the
opportunity to overcome them once and for all (I hope). Instead of dealing with
symptoms I am now dealing with the root cause. If you know what the problem is,
you can fix it, right?
In the rawness of my tears last weekend, I felt a
measure of relief that I was no longer running away from my Fears. There was a
sort of acceptance – an acknowledgement that, yes, I’m scared, but I recognise
what I’m dealing with now (namely: a tired old story with no factual basis) and
I’m not letting it run riot over my emotions. I’m going to remind myself of the
many tangible reasons I know these Fears to be untrue. I’m going to refer back
to my Self-Appreciation Project jar and reflect on why I’m absolutely a worthy
human being. And then I’m going to dust myself off and go back to participating
in all the joy, sadness and mediocrity of the human experience. The only way
out is through.
Has
anyone else found themselves challenged by “old stuff” and an underlying Fear
response this past weekend? Would love to hear your stories.
*Eagle-eyed readers will notice I always capitalise Fear. There’s a reason for that. my experience of Fear is that it is powerful it has often stood over me like a bully, so that’s why I personify it.