I want to tell you about a little project I’m working on. Actually
that was a lie – I don’t want to tell you about it at all. But my angels told
me I had to, that it would help me to write about it… and, just like the husband
who had warned you earlier in the evening that those stilettos would hurt your
feet, they are always right (it’s very annoying). So here goes.
My self-esteem is ridiculously low. Not just
I-hate-trying-on-bathing-suits low, or even I’m-too-chicken-to-ask-my-boss-for-a-raise
low, but cruelly self-sabotaging-on-the-reg low – without even realising it. It’s
only now, in my mid-30s, that I’ve decided I’m not willing to live like this
anymore.
I'm not looking to achieve Kanye-level self-love status, just a way of maybe being my own best friend. I’m no longer willing to avoid eye contact at parties from a belief that no one would find me interesting. I’m not willing to bail out of dates because of a belief that I’m lovable. I’m not willing to avoid pitching work projects out of a belief that they aren’t good enough (which really means: a belief that I’M not good enough).
I'm not looking to achieve Kanye-level self-love status, just a way of maybe being my own best friend. I’m no longer willing to avoid eye contact at parties from a belief that no one would find me interesting. I’m not willing to bail out of dates because of a belief that I’m lovable. I’m not willing to avoid pitching work projects out of a belief that they aren’t good enough (which really means: a belief that I’M not good enough).
It’s not easy to turn around decades of negative self-talk –
especially when you hadn’t been aware you’d been treating yourself so shabbily. I’m not exactly sure it’s entirely possible, but I know that I have to try,
with everything I’ve got. If I don’t, I will continue to push people away and
live a lacklustre life. I want to live in the light now.
That’s why I’ve embarked on something called the
Self-Appreciation Project. Every night, I reflect on the day just passed and
write down two things I loved about myself. Here’s the thing: it’s REALLY hard.
Initially I wanted to list five things but I couldn’t. Even getting to two is a
struggle. And in the spirit of absolute frankness I can tell you there have
been days when I could not find a single thing. Not one. (I’m trying not to
beat myself up when that happens, because self-compassion is another attribute
I really want to foster. I’m also determined not to use those days as an excuse
to give up.)
The Self-Appreciation Project, which shall henceforth be known as SAP, is bringing up a lot of dark stuff that’s been buried in
my subconscious, which is unpleasant at best and downright terrifying at worst.
But I know that I need to go through all that to get to the other side. Like
Louise Hay once declared: “Honey, if you want to clean your house, you’ve gotta
see where the dirt is.” (That woman is always slaying me with her wisdom.)