I love getting great feedback, but struggle to accept it (this struggle IS real)

One of the really great things about having a spiritual business is that you receive wonderful feedback from people. One of the challenging things about having a spiritual business is that you receive wonderful feedback from people.

Yep, you read that right.

As much as I love hearing from people whose lives have been fundamentally altered by a card reading, who’ve felt uplifted after reading a blog post I’ve penned, or who’ve been moved by an Oracle Card Of The Day, sometimes that feedback makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve been asking myself some probing questions about why I have such an uneasy response to what is, for all intents and purposes, a thing to celebrate. Why it is that I sometimes have to put the phone down and take several deep, slow breaths before I respond thanking that person. Why I might change the subject when a client thanks me for the healing session I’ve given them. It’s because, when I’m communicating with spirit then relaying those messages or transferring that energy to others, I am making myself very vulnerable. Equally, when I share my deepest thoughts and emotions on this blog. And when people respond to that vulnerability, it amplifies how exposed I feel. And that can be terrifying.

I want to make it clear that I do really love your feedback – it’s incredibly helpful for me to be shown how the positive energy I’m giving out is being received (and then returned to me in spades). But I still feel uncomfortable when it comes to receiving such feedback.  

Recently I read a fascinating article on Psychology Today (yes, I’m a nerd… but I doubt that’s a surprise to you) about the fear of acceptance. I’m familiar with the fear of rejection, but the idea of someone avoiding acceptance was new to me. Except that it wasn’t that new to me, actually, because it’s something I’ve been acting out throughout my life in many ways – I just didn’t know there was a name for it.

This is the statement in the article that resonated most with me: “When you are with someone whose demeanour, smile or kind words suggest that they respect, like or accept you, how do you feel inside? Do you notice some inner squirming or discomfort?” Yes I do. Lots of it.

Here’s what fear of acceptance means: in a bid to protect ourselves from being rejected, we take measures (both consciously and unconsciously) to avoid being accepted. We sabotage friendships and relationships. We stay on the outer fringes of social circles and events, to avoid being noticed. We get hung up on what people might think of us instead of focusing on how we feel in their company. Basically, we like to hide.

But having a spiritual business means I don’t get to hide. I have to show up wholeheartedly. I have to be vulnerable and human.I have to be ALL IN.  I cannot keep people at a distance. I cannot play safe. I cannot mirror the attitudes or behaviours of other people – I have to honour my own truth. I can no longer run away from connection.

Coming up against internal resistance is usually a pretty good sign that there’s something underlying I need to address. It’s an opportunity for growth. So following the article’s advice, this is my new strategy. When I receive a heart-felt compliment or a comment on something I’ve done that has made an impact on someone, I’m going to lean into the discomfort. I’m not going to brush it off. I will not attempt to transform into a person who loves getting attention and who embraces compliments like a boss – because that is not how I’m wired. Instead, it’s about accepting that this makes me uncomfortable, and being OK with that. Choosing to lean in anyway. And realising – eventually – that I’m completely safe to do that.

RELATED LINKS: With compliments. Just own it, darling

Are we having fun yet? If not, why not?

There is always so much to do. My OMG SO EFFING URGENT list keeps getting longer. I can barely stop to celebrate what I tick off, because there is always so much more to do. I feel like I’m treading water, exhausting myself without gaining any mileage. I am flailing in my day job, pushing hard for my fledgling side business. Little losses, tiny triumphs. Time with friends, phone calls to family fall to the bottom of my priority list. I feel like I am failing everyone, including myself. I am always tired, and there’s always so much more to do.

I have a feeling many of you are nodding in recognition as you read this.

Since starting my business and this blog more than a year ago, I feel like I’m on a treadmill. I wrote recently about how hard it was to stop and relax during my summer break – and I’m facing a similar struggle. 

At the start of 2016 I had a friend do an angel reading for me, and one of the messages that came through was my need to have more fun and be more social. I rolled my eyes. Who has time for fun, for God’s sake?! There’s always so much to do. But because the angels are always right, I took the advice on board and implemented a fun project – a once-a-month commitment to do one fun activity I’ve never done before or go to a new place. I tried this last year then abandoned it after a few months because it didn’t seem like a priority. Yes, I know how lame that sounds. I mean, I was SCHEDULING fun – then failing to meet that commitment. I know that fun and play do not happen spontaneously for me. If I do not create time for fun, my weekends and evenings will continue to be swallowed up by work and life admin. Because, as mentioned, there is always so much to do.

Last Tuesday was Australia Day – a public holiday. I planned to spend the day generating story ideas and blog posts, maybe sorting out my tax records to get on top of my present state of chaos. (Whoa, how exciting am I?! No wonder men are lining up to date me!) But I woke up and I knew I had to get out of the house, and out of my routine. I knew I needed fresh air and a change of scene to get my creative juices flowing. So, I gave myself the day off. 

It felt weird.

I went on a 10km walk along a beautiful stretch of coastline, weaving in and out of national parks and dipping into golden beaches. I remembered how lucky I am to live in The Lucky Country. I climbed cliffs and took in scenery that took my breath away. I reflected on how much is right in my life, and how far I’ve come. I did not, and would not, let myself feel guilty about all the tasks that were still on my stupid list. Then I went to a friend’s pool party and caught up with some of my favourite people. I went to sleep feeling rejuvenated and passionate about who I am, where I am and what I am doing. The angels were right, as per.

So, I have a very important question for you: are you having enough fun? 

Fun is not a luxury. It is not a treat or something you have to earn. It is as important to your life as exercise, good food, fresh air and good people. As the saying goes: nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time in the boardroom. I know your deadlines and projects seem uber important right now, but you won’t remember them in 10 years’ time. You will remember the laughter, the sunshine and the feels. These are the ingredients of your life. Are you using them to create something that’s a worthy tribute to your own awesomnity? If not, why not? 

I’m saying this to you, but of course, I’m really saying it to myself. 

Money, money, money. How faith helps pay the bills (kinda)

Dire Straits got it for nothing, Sam Smith had it on his mind and Destiny’s Child used it to pay their automo’ bills. It’s money, and it – well, lack of it, to be precise – has brought my life to a screeching halt in recent weeks.

In a spiritual sense, money is regarded as an energy, rather than an entity in itself. In other words, it’s a means to an end, not an end point. It flows when we are in flow. So because it’s not flowing for me right now, I’ve had to ask myself how I might be contributing to that.

When you don’t know when you’ll get paid, or when your next job will appear, you are existing in a state of faith. Which is similar to a state of grace, I guess, but far less serene – more sweary, more weepy. You are relying on the Universe to supply you with what you need, when you need it. You are fumbling around in dark rooms, clawing under beds to find the proof that everything will be OK. There is no proof, there is only faith. In the past month, that faith has been tested to the max.

Having been self-employed for six years, I’m used to my income fluctuating, and this is always a slow time of year for work. However circumstances have conspired to put me in a rather precarious situation that’s left me very unstable – particularly since I don’t know how long this rough patch will last.

At the height of this crisis, I had a teary, hiccup-y convo with Archangel Michael, pleading for financial assistance. The message I got back was: “Trust me.” (Which is the case for almost every problem I present to the angels, actually.) On the way to the gym the next morning, I found a $2 coin on the pavement. This is not a great deal of money, obviously, but its discovery was symbolic rather than practical. It was a sign that I was going to be taken care of. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and gave the coin to a homeless man outside the train station as I knew I did not need it.

A few days later I went to the Rozelle Markets and did a market stall, something in which I typically make a loss, but which is valuable to me as a means of introducing people in the community to my services. The market management runs a lucky draw where stallholders can win back the cost of their stall. I got a very clear message from the angels that I would win. I am not, historically, very lucky at such things so I was sceptical. Well, I won. And abundance has continued to flow my way ever since, with more work opportunities opening up to me. Which is largely to do with me being able to hold onto faith (in a very ungraceful manner).

When we ask for money, we need to be open to how it will appear. We tend to think of financial support only in terms of our salary, but the Universe regards ‘abundance’ in a larger sense. You might win a free holiday. You might receive a tax refund you didn’t expect. You might be given a petrol card by your boss. Our requests for more money will always be answered, but the answer might not turn up the way we expect.

The best thing we can do in these situations is to keep focusing on the knowledge that the Universe will always provide for us, rather than focusing on what we are lacking – that’s what creates an energetic block that makes it harder for us to receive what we need. This is a bit shit, if you think about it – basically, when we’re on our knees, completely deplete of faith, we need it more than ever before. We are asked to have the belief that what’s in front of us right now will not be our future.

Still, when you think about it, faith is all we have. Learning to hold onto that is one of the best tools we have for navigating adversity. As they say, you can’t change the direction of the wind but you can adjust your sails.

Maybe I should offer my landlord faith in lieu of rent money. I’ll let you know how that works out for me.  

Goodbye holidays, hello real life

“I can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye.”

Taylor Swift wrote that. I wish I had.

I flew back to Sydney last weekend after 2.5 weeks in New Zealand. It was a holiday full of connection, closure and rejuvenation. There were moments of peace that lifted me and moments of conflict that challenged me. Inevitably, it was a holiday full of goodbyes. Every time I return the farewells are harder. There’s more lost ground to cover and I feel the distance acutely. But I also feel closer to being me – the me that I was supposed to be all along. These things are not mutually exclusive, of course. It’s when I align my feet with old footprints that I can see how much distance I’ve covered. This has nothing to do with geography.

We’re not very good at goodbyes, as a species. 

We fear there might not be another hello. We don’t like to let go of what we have, even if it’s shit, because we’re attuned to the familiar. We recoil from new hellos because we suspect they will not be as good as the good we thought we had. We are scared of the spaces in between.

Saying goodbye creates space for new hellos. This is an act of faith, trusting that the Universe will deliver us something better. We think we know what better looks like. Nearly always, we are wrong. The Universe has a better imagination than any of us. We are slow to trust.

When I was a teenager there was a TV ad for a travel agency with a tagline that went something like this: “Holidays restore what everyday life steals from you.” Instead of feeling inspired, this ad made me feel vaguely depressed. Who on earth hates their life that much, I wondered, that the only good they can imagine is escaping it? If you think your job is taking from you more than what you’re getting (in terms of reward, satisfaction and challenge), you’re probably in the wrong job. Or perhaps you need a project to bring meaning to your evenings and weekends. If the goodbye you said to your summer self when you trudged into the office on the first working day of 2016 made you feel a sharp sense of loss, maybe you need to strive for a better hello. What would *that* look like? Your imagination might not be as good as the Universe’s, but you have magic in your fingertips and a wistful heart. You CAN conjure up something, anything, that doesn’t equate to a life that you 92 per cent hate.

Perhaps some people believe that their happiness only happens for four weeks of the year – i.e. during their annual leave – and that the remaining 92 per cent (excluding long weekends) are a murky wasteland of monotony and futility. Sure, I’d rather be doing crosswords in the hammock right now, as I was last week, a G&T within reach, than I would hunched in front of a computer with printer deadlines looming and only a mildly bitter green tea on hand, as I am right now. But our holiday selves are the evening gowns we borrow, not the pyjamas we settle in. We don’t grow and expand when our lives are on pause – the good stuff, the gritty and the pretty, happens when we hit play. Holidays are still very important, however.

If your everyday is not all you hoped it would be, what could you do to change that? And if you are not able to change it, are you willing to change the way you think about it? Letting go of what is no longer serving you is a brave and important goodbye.

The more we let go, the more room we have to grow and gain. Get ready to say hello from the other side. 

Are you playing small? Make this the year you stop settling for less

Last week I was talking with a friend of mine about a mutual friend of ours who has, to put it bluntly, settled for less than she is worth. She is in a relationship with a man who is unable to be authentic with her. He lied about his job when they met, even going to the extent of borrowing a mate’s work uniform when he met her, to carry off the illusion of this career fantasy he had constructed, and went to some effort regaling fake work stories. He only came clean when she found a pay slip in his drawer – some months into their relationship – revealing his employment reality to be much less grandiose than he had claimed. Hardly a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. Yet, for reasons I am not privy to (and nor should I be), she went on to marry him.

When I reflected later on this conversation, I realised that I, too, have settled.

It’s not my place to judge anyone for their romantic choices – particularly given my own gloriously ugly history in this department. But while I respect her right to make her own choices, those choices bother me – even though, as noted, it is none of my damn business. Her choices bother me because it appears to me – from my privileged position on the outside with no understanding of what it’s *actually* like inside that relationship – that she has settled.

I do understand the desire to settle.

Where I grew up, the pressure to get married and produce children was so intense that many times in my 20s I wondered whether it would be easier to just pick a not-right-but-not-wrong guy to achieve the appearance of a successful life, instead of hedging my bets on the possibility (wait make that PROBABILITY!)  that I will meet a man who I connect with on a deep level. I didn’t choose to settle but I’d be lying if I didn’t occasionally regret that. But as the wise Elizabeth Gilbert is fond of noting, the safe option is not actually safe (in this case because it would lead to a lifetime of dissatisfaction and regret).

The word ‘settle’ is a big one for me. Not long after the aforementioned conversation, a very dear friend, the gorgeous blogger Glitter Is My Favourite Colour, sent me a poem that she thought might resonate with me (she was right – it did). I’ll copy it below, but to give you a quick overview, it’s all about stepping out of mediocrity to follow your own path. What stood out to me most strongly was the word ‘settle’. Even though I have not settled in love, there are areas of my life – I now realise – in which I am settling.

When you settle, you say to the Universe: I’m not willing to reach for the amazingness I deserve, I’ll take ‘good enough’. There are all sorts of reasons we might do that, but mostly they come back to fear of failure and lack of appreciation for just how powerful and worthy of greatness we are.

Being honest with myself, I’ve realised there are a couple of friendships in which I’m doing all the work (making the contact, organising the catch-ups) and getting nothing back. This has really been bothering me lately. It bothers me because I’m settling for friendships in which the other person is not emotionally invested nor even particularly interested in participating in. Healthy friendships are a two-way street – and I have a lot of these in my life, which I’m very grateful for. These other friendships are doing nothing but zapping my time and energy. As the meme declares: ain’t nobody got time for that.

I’m also settling in a professional sense. I’m not pitching for meaty stories that would be stretch me and bring me greater satisfaction. I’m not stepping forward with my spiritual business because I’m terrified it will fail. I’m not addressing my volatile financial state because I’m scared I will be poor my entire life. These are all areas that need my attention. They are not easy to fix, but I think shifting the unhealthy mindset behind them is a very good place to start.

The Universe brought this to my attention, I believe, because I’ve been asking for guidance on how I can push forward and expand this year. The message I’m receiving is: don’t settle. Sure, unsatisfying friendships and limited professional development may not appear to be hampering my life in a larger sense, but they kinda are, because through these choices I’m sending the messages that I don’t believe I deserve more.

I do deserve more – and so do you. It’s time to start acting like it.

*Here’s a portion of that poem:

You. Go, now – into the lush, emerald forest of who you really are. Find yourself. Discover your gifts. Share your gritty magic with the world. Follow the promising path of your courageous destiny. Go – Now. Do not settle for an empty half-life. Do not settle for good enough. Do not settle for anything less than exquisite or extraordinary. Oh, sweet wise, wild woman – do not settle – At all.

Source: Elephant Journal.